Some people won some awards, but what we are really interested in is who looked most like a tangerine.

Brenda Strong makes me wonder why I’m being subjected to so many hours of Teri Hatcher’s beat face and just a precious few minutes of hers.

Continue reading ‘The Screen Actors Guild awards 2007′

It’s a well known fact that Fergie currently top of the Vatican shortlist for inclusion into a new bible after she told of her gift from god. Therefore the upmost respect should be paid to Fergie’s NRJ performance of the new gospel hymn known as “Fergalicious”. Sit back, Relax and absorb her holiness doing her heavenly thing.

I’m back from the near-dead, and just in time for another Hollywood starlet to send herself to rehab! I did miss covering the Golden Globes though, but it was all rather predictable in that Jennifer Garner looked the most awesomest.

Lindsay Lohan has shockingly entered herself into rehab for undisclosed reasons, but I’m willing to put my asian wife on it being something to do with her addiction to booze. It’s such a beautiful thing to see bouncy, perky teen stars ruined by the corruption of drugs, sex and rock and roll. It reminds me of the time my aunt Cherry was stolen away from her blissful youth as a farm hand to become the star we now all know and love as Drew Barrymore.

Oh Snap, haven’t been taking my meds this week! Sorry to say that I need to double the dosage since I took a poop on a table in Starbucks. Fact i learned from that event: Mariah Carey is not a voice inside my head.

One of the most sinfully boring couples in Hollywood history have finally split, and the only echo even remotely reminiscent of people caring is the prospect of Timberlake reuniting with Britney Spears. And when the only attention paid to your four year romance in Hollywood is the remote possibility that you might split up and reunite with your ex, then I guess it’s pretty much doomed from the getgo.

^{According to website Tmz.com, the pair issued a joint statement late yesterday announcing they have officially split, saying, “It has always been our preference not to comment on the status of our relationship, but, out of respect for the time we’ve spent together, we feel compelled to do so now, in light of recent speculation and the number of inaccurate stories that are being reported by the media. We have, in fact, ended our romantic relationship and have done so mutually and as friends, with continued love and respect for one another.” Timberlake has been romantically linked to Scarlett Johansson after the two were seen spending time together at an after-party for his film Alpha Dog. The Lost In Translation actress also stars in Timberlake’s latest music video “What Goes Around.”}

I’m wondering how many women in Hollywood Justin Timberlake can get away with screwing before someone in the industry has a moment to consider that he might not be a nice guy. Now judging by the average I.Q of actresses and pop stars I’m going to give it a few years, maybe a decade - but theres still hope! It’s safe to say that Tara Reid won’t be the one to realize it though.
I actually like Cameron Diaz. Sure her skin looked a lot like a Lord of the Rings landscape for a while and she did date Justin ‘I seriously can’t believe how much better than you i am’ Timberlake for a couple of years, but this ho is fun and I can see me drinking booze from her pock marks on a crazy night out.

After the extensive damage to her image caused by the closure of worldofbritney.com and the subsequent war of words between Perez Hilton, Rueben Garay and manager Larry Rudolph, Britney herself has posted a letter on her website in which she claims her album is going great, everything you read about her is a twisted lie and that she loves her fans, despite what the closure of worldofbritney.com might have suggested when Garay himself posted an alleged IM conversation with Larry Rudolph in which Rudolph said that Spears didn’t “give a shit” about anyone but herself.

The post by Spears includes the following

^{I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I’d be unhappy too if I had to read what I’ve been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I’ve been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!}  

All I can say is this ho has a lot more damage control to do yet before her old fans are going to have any interest in her, and her first single needs to be the hottest track of the year if she wants to truly make a big comeback.

According to her manager, Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears is well aware of her public image breakdown calling it her “rocky” stage, but she will have an album out in the fall regardless. With that, I would like to take a moment to caution you that the image you are about to see contains extreme levels of ugliness. I know we have seen ugly together over the past year at The Deli, I mean we’ve had the joy of Fergie all up in our retinas haven’t we? Well take Fergie and times her by like, 90…

I’m not sure if “rocky” really covers the true extent of mental damage that the above image has just inflicted on many thousands of innocent people. It is a cut so deep that no amount of extremely hot airbrushed FHM pictorials can erase it. Seriously, Britney this album better be shit hot or i’ll be shouting at you for giving me the wrong kind of McFlurry in six years!

It is well known fact that I have had a slight obsession with Sherri Shepherd for a few years now, so much so I have a beautiful autograph of hers framed on my wall above my bed which i pray to every night. She is like a little ray of sunshine that shines through the canopy that is this cruel world! Oh i’m totally kidding, my life is - of course - extremely awesome, but Sherri Shepherd being alive makes it just that little bit more awesome. Oh and Regina Spektor too. We like Regina Spektor, Y/N?

So extremely good news then in that she is apparently signing to join The View in the old Star Jones position of resident sassy black woman. This is good news for The View, which is otherwise full of ugly, hateful old hags. You know this bundle of joy is in the wrong show though, she should be on Desperate Housewives or something that people actually watch and like.

The View is kind of like the “watch it when im stoned” for bored housewives. Except they aren’t stoned. They are totally concious and everything. To be honest, I don’t fully understand the whole decision making process that goes into actually chosing to watch something like The View, so i’m just guessing that ABC are putting something funky in the soap powder, it makes way more sense than people actually sitting down with a cup of coffee and saying “Yes, I do want to watch boring, sour women with collapsed vaginas bitch and whine about issues no one cares about this morning!”.

The Blair Anchor Project

Wouldn’t surprise me if she was laying an egg, because she looks suspiciously like a retarded ostrich.

Would surprise me even less if she shit her pants though, because she is actually really dirty for an ostrich. Oh well at least she’s doing what she can to cover her (Ostrich) lady garden, and for that I am very grateful indeed!

Last Year, Mariah Carey was crowned top deli ho for general dedication to crazyness and her great consistency at looking like a huge sausage, but has it changed this year? With Mariah no longer out promoting her beautiful musical creations and with Bai Ling having fallen into a ditch for much of the year, the dynamics of the Deli have shifted! Gone are the wonky nipples of Tara Reid, replaced by the wonky vagina of Britney Spears! So lets get to it, who’s been making me write way more than I want to be writing? And who’s fallen out of last years list? Read on to find out…
Continue reading ‘The Deli Honour Roll 2006′

First of all, I’d just like to say Happy New Year sluts! I hope you all had a fruitful and scandal laden 2006, and I’m sure that, being the kind of people who read sites like this, you can only expect more sex and admiration in 2007.

Secondly, I’d like to say we’ve finally passed half a million hits! One year and three months later! I haven’t really made an effort to force the site upon people yet, but I think in 2007, aggressive, in your face marketing gimmicks no one actually likes (but they amazingly still work) will be the way forward for the site! Anyway, thanks for your loyal readership for over a year now! Tell your friends about the site and use this beautiful html code in your myspace to display a badge of pride for The Deli!

Featured Friend Site:

• Megan Fox is hot (Fatback)
• Tara Reid may just masturbate with a bottle (Dlisted)
• Jessica Beil is a man now. I’d hit it (Socialites Life)

In another one of her delightful emails Lindsay Lohan talks about practising pole dancing for a new film role in which she plays a stripper, which by all means isn’t a huge stretch of the imagination for any of us.

An e-mail she sent to pals last week has the subject title: “They’re
all whores, they’re all whores . . . xcept for some obviously!” Lohan
wrote in the note, “So . . . 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised.
everywhere . . . I mean we’re talkin’ like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH
ACTION-bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really
though, really, I didn’t know it was actually possible to have bruises
in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect
the cunts now. . . I’m not gonna lie to ya.”

Her rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik says :
“She’s been in rehearsals for the film and has been taking classes
from Sheila Kelly. Her character is a stripper, and she now realizes
that the job isn’t easy. We should give these women credit.”

You gotta love Leslie Sloane Zelnik, she is like the worst liar in history and yet she’s had the joy of representing Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, two people who need good liars as much as they need underwear (that being a lot for the record, girls.)

Lindsay Lohan, like many of us, shows her respect for strippers by calling them whores and cunts. Like, I have a LOT of respect for my cellphone’s technical support team and thats definitely the reason I call them whores and cunts, I guess it’s just a universal way to show your admiration. Just remember that the next time your writing a card on mothers day.

On a side note it’s really cool that Lindsay Lohan has friends who leak every email she sends to the world press, I wish I had friends like that, except it’s actually really quite difficult to find snakey coke sniffing attention whores around these parts who I haven’t already punched in the vagina.

Here is Paris Hilton using a tiny baby in a children’s hospital as a photo opportunity, because thats just the classy kind of girl that Paris Hilton is.

I don’t know who the skank friend is, maybe her name is Kim something, I don’t know, Paris changes friends every time she gets a new STD so she can screw some new friends boyfriends. That baby better keep it’s wits about it because Paris’ vagina will eat it when it least expects it. Her vadge is like Audrey from the Little Shop of Horrors! OMG RUN BEBE! GET ON UR TINY HANDZ AND RUN!

The talk of the web lately has been the shutting down of the nasty ass worldofbritney.com website run by the egotistical twat Ruben Garay. After he announced that he felt Britney Spears was “done” and that the site was closing, the equally unsavoury Perez Hilton revealed an email which showed Garay begging Spears’ management to cover his web bills because he had sold the site years ago and it faced closure unless he could pay $50,000 to buy the site.Turns out Larry Rudolph, Britneys manager, seems to have forwarded the email to PerezHilton in return for good press for Britney (according to Garay) . In a bitter act of reprisal, Garay responded by posting this conversation he had with Rudolph about Britney after she stood up two fans who won a fan competition to meet her…
Continue reading ‘Truth about Britney comes out in web bitchfight?’