· Without the supermarket checkout line, Michael Lohan might have no way to get in touch with his troubled daughter. Then again, he could always trying texting her.
· Looking to scare the shit out of your own city with a flashing Mooninite not-bomb? eBay will hook you up.
· Ellen Pompeo only plays (OK, played) an anorexic on TV.
· Finally, a place to put your terrifying ability to identify random celebrity body parts to productive use.
· All your favorite famous person BJ moments, collected in one handy place. [NSFW]

This should reassure precisely no one: The temporary joint custody agreed to by proud parents-in-Vegas-club-hopping-asbentia Britney Spears and Kevin Federline shortly after their divorce has been extended:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will continue to share custody of their two young sons this month, following the terms of a January custody agreement, Federline's attorney confirmed Thursday. [...]

Per the terms of that agreement, Federline will continue to be allowed to visit the children at Spears' home from noon to 4 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

In other words, for the next little while at least, both little Sean Preston and the other one will be guaranteed up to 12 hours per week in the presence of a strong male role model. Or, should K-Fed's unpaid bodyguard/sidekick have other business to attend to that day, at least in the presence of their big-pimpin' biological dad himself.

• Britney, K-Fed to Continue Joint Custody [ABCNews/AP]

According to embattled publicist-to-the-troubled-stars Leslie "My Client Went to Rehab And All I Got Was An Even Bigger Fucking Headache" Sloane Zelnick, the searching and fearless moral inventory that slowly sobering-up outpatient Lindsay Lohan is compiling in between runs to the Coffee Bean requires that the actress become even more proactive about her personal health, leading her to back out of her next movie project, A Woman of No Importance. Reports People:

"She doesn't want to just yes everyone and compromise herself anymore," says her publicist, Leslie Sloane. "If anything has been learned, it's that what she needs comes first - and right now she needs focus." [...]

Rather than jumping from movie to movie, Lohan plans to take it easy for a few weeks, according to Sloane, who adds: "It's a mature thing to do. ... She's doing this so she can focus on getting better."

While our reflexively cynical temperament makes us instantly suspicious that this public "backing out" was more of a "shoving out," we nonetheless should entertain the possibility that the choice to leave the project actually might have been Lohan's, who after availing herself of the services of one of the industry-friendly Wonderland Center's Sober Agents, came to the mature decision that taking some time off to wait for a bigger movie to come along was a prudent career move.

• Lindsay Lohan Backs Out of Upcoming Movie [People]
• Previously: Lindsay Lohan Disrupting Others' Proactive Decisions To Tend To Their Personal Health [Defamer]

· Music round-up: The U.K.'s Mopemaster General, Morrissey, begins the first of three nights at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium; Midnight Movies at Spaceland; Helmet at the Troubadour (again).
· Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel, and Paul "Best Week Ever" Scheer form comedy's Human Giant at the UCB Theatre, where they host a variety of comedians and test screen some of the video shorts they'll soon unleash on their MTV show of the same name. Laughs guaranteed under pain of an ass-kicking from Michael Clarke Duncan, the troupe's inspiration.
· The Skirball Center hosts the L.A. premiere of China Blue, a documentary that will make you feel terrible about how many Chinese workers suffered so that you can wear that $200 pair of designer jeans to Area. [flavorpill]

Because we here at Defamer like nothing more than to play marketplace matchmaker to merchants of slightly used celebrity undergarments and their devotees, we'd like to now divert your attentions to eBay Lot #280076499409, consisting of two manificent examples of the satin and lace contour bra, dating to the late 20th Century and guaranteed to have been worn by Katherine Heigl during her Foxy Extraterrestrial period:

Katherine Heigl Two Bras From ROSWELL Show Worn

Description
You are getting two bras from Katherine Hegil show ROSWELL worn buy her. They are in 100% condition. The item come with a Certificate Of Autheticinty. You can ask a question if you can like to. You Thank You for looking at the auction you are great for biding on the auction.

Defamer is committed to informing its readers of exciting opportunities to be humiliated by television networks desperately trying to fill out the non-American Idol portions of their primetime schedules with similarly intellectually challenging fare. And in the service of this noble mission, we direct you to Craigslist's virtual casting office, where the drive to recruit those soon to be flummoxed by an inability to retrieve facts once readily recoverable from their ten-year-old minds is in full swing:

Looking for Contestants for FOX "Are you smarter than a 5th Grader?" We are looking for people with amazing personalities....looks ...and brains~! Answering a few simple questions could make you a millionaire and change your life!

You must be over 25 yrs old, live in southern california.

Send your name, contact #, picture, Your availability Feb 5th- Feb 10th, what you do for a living, and a brief description of why we should choose you for the show to...

Respond ASAP as we have limited audition times available.

But if you absolutely *insist* on distracting attention from the work, she'd like you to know that she can't wait to be a mom, still hasn't totally recovered from that nanny situation (or, for that matter, from her forced participation in simian watersports), that there is "no sexual anything" between her and Diddy, and, perhaps most importantly, she absolutely did not allow her Factory Girl co-star to penetrate her while the cameras rolled, no matter how much more convincing that might have made their sex scene. In a statement to be released later today, Miller's publicist will urge the media to respect her client's privacy going forward, now that this uncomfortable period of utterly unwelcome fame is about to blow over.

When facing a media firing squad to answer questions about one's arrest for facilitating a multimedia conglomerate's crazy ideas for getting some attention for their cartoon about anthropomorphic fast food items, one might politely offer a "no comment" and be on one's way. On the other hand, if one were interested in taking a moment to spotlight the absurdity of a situation in which a few friendly, flashing aliens were briefly mistaken for a pop-culture-savvy terrorist cell's attempt to drastically reduce Boston's stoner population through the explosive co-option of a beloved icon, one might handle their post-arraignment press conference in a different way.

Should the Paramount-bomb-in-a-newspaper-box situation ever go to trial, the studio should totally hire these guys to handle their publicity.

• Boston Ad Prank Suspects Talk About ... Hair [YouTube via BWE]

· Maggie Gyllenhaal and Terrence Howard are named honory co-chairs of Film Independent's Spirit Awards, as much for their pinchable cheeks and twinkly eyes as for their impressive body of independent film work. [Variety]
· Tom O'Neil is still trying to decipher the Oscar Code (thankfully, this time not from his bed), and comes to the following conclusions: Scorsese will pick up the DGA award, and Best Picture is anyone's to win. Your office pool's a lock! [The Envelope]
· One oddsmaker puts Departed ahead with 5-4 odds, and Sunshine right behind it at 5-2, but it could easily pull ahead, as Academy members looking for some uplift among a depressing field will ultimately prove unable to resist the charms of its suicidal gay uncles and heroin-snorting dead grandpas. [USA Today]
· The Genies (for the uninitiated: Canada's top film award, and no, none of your three wishes will turn it into an Oscar) gives its Claude Jutra Award for best freshman filmmaker to Vancouver's Julia Kwan for Eve and the Fire Horse, and Stephane Lapointe of Montreal for The Secret Life of Happy People. [Variety]
· The Bagger is set adrift by this year's Oscar unpredictablity. Come on, Oscar-prognosticating-monkey, prognosticate for us! [The Carpetbagger]

· Jennifer Garner seeks to emasculate husband Ben Affleck by proving that at least one person in their household can carry a holiday-themed comedy, signing on to star in the remake of the 1945 movie Christmas in Connecticut for Warner Bros. [Variety]
· Warner Bros. and Joel Silver, who have been developing a Wonder Woman movie to be written and directed by fanboy-sainted Buffy creator Joss Whedon, are "quietly" trying to buy another Wonder Woman script, possibly to cover their asses in the event its writers decide to sue because their "getting it on in the invisible jet" scene is too similar to the one in the eventual WB product. [THR]
· Unfaithful co-stars Richard Gere and Diane Lane reunite for the Nicholas Sparks adaptation Nights in Rodanthe for Warner Bros. [Ed.note--Is today Warner Bros. Day at the trades?], in which they hope to recapture the carnal chemistry they enjoyed in their previous collaboration. [Variety]
· American Idol continues to destroy everything in its path. Interestingly, its Nielsen halo effect is now even boosting its lead-ins, bringing Bones its highest ratings in a year. [THR]
· In speculating about how moving beloved, but ratings-challenged, Friday Night Lights to a better timeslot might improve the show's chances of survival, Var invokes the name of Freaks and Geeks, the standard by which all beloved-but-ratings-challenged-series- that-were-killed-off-too-quickly are judged. [Variety]

If you stopped watched American Idol after the audition rounds, you'd be forgiven if you somehow mistook the reality colossus as the search for America's greatest schizophrenic. (Symptoms: "delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, grossly disorganized behavior, dressing inappropriately, crying frequently...") Once the parade of psychotics passes by our TV sets and back into the crazy jungle, however, the cream eventually does begin to rise to the top--whether through pure talent, or with the help of a story about one's father's botched murder-suicide attempt. Jennifer Hudson definitely fell into the former camp when she stumbled onto the Idol stage in Season 3, but perhaps her current dizziness from trying on Oscar gowns has given her temporary amnesia regarding just how long-range and accurate 19 Management's sniper-fire can be:

While all the latest buzz around ill-advised marketing campaigns hysterically misconstrued as acts of terrorism is currently clustered around yesterday's freakout over some harmless, flashing, bird-flipping Aqua Teen Hunger Force devices placed around Boston, a story in today's LAT reminds us of the similar events of last April, when Paramount's planting of suspicious, wire-sprouting music-boxes inside the Times' newspaper vending machines to promote Mission: Impossible III exacerbated many L.A. residents' quiet fears that Tom Cruise is bent on world domination. The LAT reports that federal officials are mulling the idea of suing both the studio and the paper over the stunt:

Several newspaper buyers thought the music players were bombs and reported them to law enforcement. The Los Angeles County sheriff's arson squad blew up one Times news rack near the intersection of Sand Canyon and Soledad Canyon roads in Santa Clarita as a precaution.

In West Los Angeles, federal police at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center called the sheriff's bomb squad after a newspaper buyer spied the 6-inch-long, 2 1/2 -inch-wide red plastic box and its wires. Hospital administrators ordered the building at 11301 Wilshire Blvd. evacuated.

In a brief preview of an article to appear in the upcoming Resurrection Issue of Radar (much more background info on that here for the curious), Ben "The Gatecrasher" Widdicombe assembles a variety of anecdotes, that when taken together, seem to add up to the shocking revelation that serial studio dumpee Jim Carrey might be somewhat difficult to work with: Tales of unbidden urination, tantrum-having, and fun-list-deletion follow:

Labeling Carrey "unpredictable," the mag blames the collapse of some recent projects on his "bizarre behavior and on-set tantrums."

Apparently he annoyed colleagues after he "unzipped his fly and urinated" during a scene on his upcoming film, "The Number 23" - a touch that wasn't in the script.

Universal has hardly had time to refuel the Brinks trunk since it dumped out a pile of cash to acquire the rights to the inspiring story of displaced, soccer-playing kids from war-torn nations it hopes to one day reimagine as Kicking & Screaming II: The Fugees, but it's already emerged triumphant from another bidding war, beating out New Line and Warner Bros. for the script Nottingham by coughing up "seven figures" to its writers (the creators of recently canceled Showtime series Sleeper Cell) and betting another $20 million that mild-mannered character actor Russell Crowe (A Good Year) will shine when given a chance to finally be the center of attention of a big-budget project. The script's high-concept of "Robin Hood, but where the Sheriff of Nottingham is the good guy" is so "now why didn't I think of that and become a millionaire overnight?" simple that Imagine's Brian Grazer, who'll be superproducing for Universal, will be overheard at various cocktail parties over the next month telling transfixed conversation partners, "You know, I always felt in my gut that Nottingham was misunderstood and Robin Hood was kind of a dick, but I knew that if I waited long enough, someone would finally tap into my consciousness and put it all together."

• Universal flies with Crowe [Variety]

· How does that funny little turntable-pawing dude pull so much high-end tail? This ABC News investigative report tries to get to the bottom of the DJ AM mystery, hoping to come up with a more satisfying answer than "has a great blow connection."
· Paula Abdul: Life Judge.
· Teri Polo's publicist deserves a raise for making us remember who she is.
· Your guide to this year's Superbowl ads.
· Blogger Paul Davidson has seen Vanna White without make-up, and he'll never be the same again.

We'll spare you the text of the publicist pitch that informed us that Taco Bell, like some kind of buzz-vulture feasting on the marketing carrion of another corporate predator's pop-culture kill, intends to get its own piece of the recent "controversy" over exhousehusband-for-hire Kevin Federline's much-discussed commercial for Nationwide insurance, in which a deeply offended fast-food community has loudly protested the upcoming denigration of a proud vocation during the Superbowl; suffice it to say that the attached photograph sums up the entire campaign concept in a single, tidy image. But should you desire to feel the sweet prick of the second spork-prong of Taco Bell's publicity attack, the letter containing their Fearless Gordita-Pushing Leader's formal offer of a one-hour shift working the sour cream gun follows after the jump:

You may recall the Lane Garrison accident from early December. By way of utterly depressing review: the former Prison Break actor made some teenage friends at a Beverly Hills grocery store one Saturday night, accompanied them to a house party, allegedly downed several shots of vodka, then later struck a tree with them in his SUV, injuring two and killing Beverly Hills High School student Vahagn Setian. A press conference held by Beverly Hills police today delivered the results of their investigation, including three separate charges, listed in decreasing order of fucked to fuckedest:

Authorities said they are seeking at least three charges, including gross vehicular manslaughter, driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Beverly Hills police said officers also found containers of alcohol inside Garrison's SUV.

If perennially unlucky-in-love Jennifer Aniston had, hypothetically, decided her man woes could be cured by checking into the cheerily decorated offices of a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's clinic for some freshening up, who among us wouldn't have looked discreetly away, as if to say, "Just do what you need to do. We're running out of time and famous-enough suitors." The tabloid press is guided by an entirely different moral compass, however, and when they publish indelicately titled stories of the "Jen Gets a Nose Job" and "Wow! It's Jengelina: Jen's Sexy Revenge Makeover"-variety, it's all any of us can do to hold our breaths and just pray America's Abandoned Sweetheart isn't nudged permanently off her tightrope of sanity. Talking to People, Jen was asked point blank about the latest round of plastic surgery rumors, as well as the "lesbian kiss" she supposedly shares with Courteney Cox on Dirt: