One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson. "
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the sea shore."
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who - in his day - had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot the cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in the corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it ALL over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
"Bush is getting rid of the phrase, 'stay the course.' That was his phrase for the entire war. ... Maybe the phrase should have been, 'Find bin Laden.' ... Do you miss the old days when the phrase was, 'Stay under the desk'?"
A priest and the rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork ?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork ?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich. The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate ?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh ?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, ^ ^ ^ "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it ?"
Doctor: “So what seems to be the problem?” Patient: “Doc, I’ve got really bad gas … I just fart all the time” Doctor: “Hmmm, ok … go on” Patient: “My farts do not stink and make no sound, but it’s rather alarming that I’m cranking them out all the time. We’ve been here for five minutes and I’ve farted six times. And as I stated, you couldn’t hear or smell them, right?” Doctor: Picks up his pad and paper, then says “Hmmm … here’s a prescription I want you to fill.” Patient: “This is GREAT doc! This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?” Doctor: “No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1.Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Normally the browser will make one request to a web page at a time. When you enable pipelining it will make several at once, which really speeds up page loading.
2. Alter the entries as follows:
Set "network.http.pipelining" to "true"
Set "network.http.proxy.pipelining" to "true"
Set "network.http.pipelining.maxrequests" to some number like 30. This means it will make 30 requests at once.
3. Lastly right-click anywhere and select New-> Integer. Name it "nglayout.initialpaint.delay" and set its value to "0". This value is the amount of time the browser waits before it acts on information it recieves.
This works for those using Broadband pages load MUCH faster
While at World Series Game 3 with my brother, I saw this young man right under the scoreboard wearing either a halter top or a sports bra. I know he had to be cold, but I’m sure he had quite a bit of anti-freeze in his system.
He was holding a sign but I couldn’t read it all. All I know is that it ended with the phrase “PRICELESS”.
I saw him briefly on ESPN later that night, but don’t know if he made the FOX broadcast or not.
Father Sullivan was being honored at his retirement dinner after 30 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. However, as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people"....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day Father Sullivan arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first one to go to him in confession...."
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc. Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it. I love it when a plan comes together.
It's official: Women more grumpy than men in the morning
Maybe it's that withering look she gives you as she clatters her coffee cup or perhaps she's just plain snappy, but men have for years bemoaned the perils of early mornings with their better halves.
Millions of chaps across the country have come to agree that the best way to avoid the outbreak of World War Three over breakfast is to keep well away until the bad tempered creature that came from beneath the duvet (aka the wife) lightens up a bit.
New research has confirmed they have every right to be wary. It found that not only are women grumpier than men first thing, but also that they remain in a foul mood for longer.
A survey by The Sleep Council showed a quarter of men never wake up in a bad mood, compared to just one in seven women.
While his grandmother, Fredricka Bierdemann, turned her back to get another dollar for a second try, Robert took off his coat and squeezed through an opening in the machine. He landed in the stuffed animal cube.
"He was having a ball in there, hugging all the stuffed animals," Bierdemann said. "He was so good-natured, but I was shaking like a leaf.
Firefighters broke one lock but then spotted two latches inside the plastic cube. They passed a screwdriver to Robert, who eventually freed himself.
He went home safe, but without a stuffed Sponge Bob.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
The children begged for a bunny rabbit, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions:
Flying Cross To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.
Rubber Cushion To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Silver Bullet To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
Other dumb things:
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A monk in Thailand is in big trouble with local authorities and betting shops after successfully predicting the winning lottery numbers -- 11 times in a row.
Sick of the weather? Don't blame Al Nino. The Nipomo, California man is getting a little tired of strangers calling him up to complain.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost.
Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations.
In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth.
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
Sometime overnight we hit the magical 1,000,000th hit on Bits and Pieces. I am probably 50,000 of those hits (proof-reading after posting), but I’m not counting that.
Thanks to all who visit and all who link to Bits & Pieces … and to all I steal stuff from. I try to give credit on most of the things I post.
You are bidding on an original creation--a halter top made from a pair of men's briefs, size 32. They should fit a skinny woman up to a size 10. They are made of the finest 100% cotton, with an elastic waist, and tie with attractive pink satin ribbons. They can be tied up for the tank-top look, or off the shoulders for ever more drama.
One day a little girl went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
Her mother stammered a bit, but finally regained her composure. She thought it must be time that her daughter learned the facts of life.
So, she told her daughter about how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As she explained, her daughter's eyes got wider and wider.
When she was finished, the little girl said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Joe told me. He said that he came from Virginia.
First-year students at MedSchool were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Mum defies million-to-one odds to give birth to black and white boys For every mother with twins the art of telling them apart is a task that can take a lifetime to master. But when Kerry Richardson's sons were born she had no trouble telling them apart instantly.
Layton, who weighed 6lb 4oz, was growing blonde hair and was fair skinned. His brother, Kaydon, who arrived 20 minutes later weighing 6lb 9oz, was black.
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed.. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today, the Cardinals lost, but at least I got laid.
There seems to be quite a discussion on St. Louis sports talk radio about what was on Detroit Tiger pitcher Kenny Rogers’ hand.
What exactly was on Kenny Rogers' left hand? Was Rogers discoloring and/or defacing balls? Why didn't the Cardinals' Tony La Russa, a manager who is always looking for an edge, raise more of a fuss? These are questions FoxSports.com is asking.
If Rogers broke the rules, he gained only a temporary edge — he cleaned his hand after the first inning, then allowed only two hits in eight shutout innings, lifting the Tigers to a 3-1 victory that tied the World Series at one game each.
Still, the episode was, uh, rather odd.
Rule 3.02 states that, "No player shall intentionally discolor or damage the ball by rubbing it with soil, rosin, paraffin, licorice, sand-paper, emery-paper or other foreign substance."
Rule 8.02 states that a pitcher "shall not" even deliver a ball that he defaces with spit or a foreign substance or by rubbing the ball on his glove, person or clothing.
Regardless, he only got better at pitching once whatever it was, was removed.
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
This time point to each word with your finger as you read out loud.
Did you miss the second “THE” when you read the sentence each time? Chances are you did. If you didn’t, you’re a freak!
Seriously though, the brain doesn’t process the second “THE” because it’s tricked into thinking it already has. The fact that it’s on the second line after the first “THE” is the reason. It’s redundant.
If you did catch it, try it on someone normal.
via The Amazing Jonathan’s Every Trick in the Book book
CAKE INGREDIENTS: 1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix 1 box of white cake mix 1 package white sandwich cookies 1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix A few drops green food coloring 12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS" 1 NEW cat-litter box 1 NEW cat-litter box liner 1 NEW pooper scooper
1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.
2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.
3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.
4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the "litter box". Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!
Ever wonder how retired people spend their day? Here’s one example:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went into a shopin Blue Ridge, GA. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "jerk." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "pig-headed creep." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that read, "Jeb Bush in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm> retired. It is important at our age.
Some drinkers are snorting vodka through the nose to get drunk more quickly in a fad that alcohol health workers say could be dangerous.
The Alcohol Problems Advisory Service in Derby said people were snorting the spirit through a straw or from a thin glass tube.
Bar owners have said that the trend is on the rise amongst some drinkers in the city, particularly students.
Bar staff said some people were "in tears" after trying the trend, while others reacted so quickly they were seen falling to the floor as a result of snorting the alcohol.
The Coyote Wild club in the city has already banned people from snorting vodka on its premises and owners said anyone caught doing so would be barred.
It seems that the plastic pink flamingo is going the way of dodo. The plastic bird, a kitsch icon that has populated the front lawns of American homes since the 1950s, is about to become extinct.
Union Products of Leominster, Massachusetts, which has made the birds since 1957, is going out of business.
"The plant's pink flamingo will be an endangered species," Dennis Plante, the company's president, said.
The moulded plastic sculpture mounted on wire legs has been reviled and revered in equal measure. The bird lent its name to director John Waters's 1972 film examining bad taste. But that only helped to make the hapless bird more desirable.
ConocoPhillips continues a 54-year tradition by transforming a pumpkin-shaped 3 million gallon storage tank at its Wilmington, California-based Los Angeles refinery into Smilin' Jack, the world's largest Jack-o-lantern. The refinery pumpkin patch expects at least 30,000 visitors who want a close-up look at Smilin' Jack.
Preparing Smilin' Jack for his annual appearance requires more than 100 gallons of orange, black and white paint. According to refinery engineers, if the giant jack-o-lantern were filled with pumpkin meat, there would be enough to make 26,800,000 pumpkin pies!
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
There is a story going around that the king of Spain went “hunting” for a drunken tame bear that was made available for him to shoot.
MADRID, Spain -The king says it didn't happen. And the bear isn't around to talk about it anymore.
A spokeswoman for Spanish King Juan Carlos said Thursday that Russian reports the 68-year-old monarch brought down a tamed and inebriated bear during a visit in August were "ridiculous."
A letter from a farm kid at Marine Corps Recruit Training
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Alicia Silverstone 33-B Alyssa Milano 34-B Anna Kournikova 32-B Anna Nicole Smith 42-DD Demi Moore 34-C Denise Drysdale 38-DDD Dolly Parton 40-DD Elizabeth Hurley 36-C Joan Rivers 34-B Julia Roberts 34-B Kate Moss 32-A Kate Winslet 34-C Madonna 34-C Sarah Michelle Gellar 36-C Britney Spears 34-C Carmen Electra 36-D Cher 32-B Gwyneth Paltrow 33-B Halle Berry 36-C Heather Locklear 34-B Kathie Lee Gifford 35-B Katie Holmes 34-C Michelle Pfeiffer 33-B Tara Lipinski 32-A Janet Jackson 35-C Ivana Trump 33-B Jennifer Love Hewitt 36-C Jenny McCarthy 38-D Pamela Anderson 36-DD Nicole Kidman 34-B Jennifer Aniston 34-B
St. Louis’ own Chuck Berry, who some call the father of rock and roll, turns 80 today. Berry still performs around the country and at Blueberry Hill in St. Louis regularly. He was known for the duck-walk and classics such as Johnny B. Goode, Sweet Little Sixteen, Roll Over Beethoven and Ding-A-Ling.
A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"
Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
"I just went up and said"... "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"
The atmosphere at Busch Stadium last night when the St. Louis Cardinals beat the New York Mets 4–2 was incredible to witness.
A World Series victory in St. Louis, a long time in coming, will be even more incredible. The win last night made it possible. I figured the Cardinals had to win last night to go ahead of the Mets 3–2 in order to pull it off in New York with one more victory. It’s possible, but won’t be easy. However, we do have our ace Chris Carpenter on the mound tonight.
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "‘Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
An American Indian named Longbow walks into the General Store at the reservation looking for toilet paper.
The clerk says "We have three kinds; Charmin for $1 a roll, Cottonelle for $.85 and a generic TP for $.25. Longbow asks him "What's generic?"
The clerk tells him it means it has no name, so Longbow buys the generic brand and leaves. Longbow comes back to the General Store a week later and says to the clerk "I have named the toilet paper John Wayne."
The clerk asks 'Why John Wayne?" Longbow answers "Because it's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take any crap off of Indians."
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San. #1 Answer: San Diego Worst Answer: Seattle
Question: Name a term used in football. #1 Answer: Touchdown Worst Answer: Fastbreak
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in. #1 Answer: High heels Worst Answer: Scuba flippers Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered. #1 Answer: It's cold Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.
Semen makes you happy. That's the remarkable conclusion of a study comparing women whose partners wear condoms with those whose partners don't.
The study, which is bound to provoke controversy, showed that the women who were directly exposed to semen were less depressed. The researchers think this is because mood-altering hormones in semen are absorbed through the vagina. They say they have ruled out other explanations.
"I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from using condoms," says Gordon Gallup, the psychologist at the State University of New York who led the team. "Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological effects of semen."
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female - Any part under a car's hood. Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another Male - Playing hockey without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n Female - A desire to get married and raise a family. Male - Trying not to pick up another woman while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male - A source of entertainment, self expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male - A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Meet “Hoofie” the pog. Suspected to be part pig and part dog. He has three hoofs and one paw. He seems like a regular piglet except for his left front paw.
Hoofie was the only survivor of a litter of 5 from a momma pig. The most likely father is a dog on the Dexter Missouri farm of my friend Tom.
A friend of mine went on a treasure hunt yesterday in Sedalia Missouri and came across this find. It’s a half dime from 1849.
It has special significance to him because his dad, a good friend of mine, died last week and right before he died, he insisted that the son go on this treasure hunt. He was adamant about it and the son had so much to do, including a memorial service today for his dad, but he went anyway. This coin was minted exactly 100 years before his dad was born. He told me he got the faintest signal from his metal detector and just decided to dig there and found the coin.
A Texas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This just demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
What Happens to Your body if you stop smoking Right now?
I think one of the main reasons it’s so hard to quit smoking is because all the benefits of quitting and all the dangers of continuing seem very far away. Well, here’s a little timeline about some of the more immediate effects of quitting smoking and how that will affect your body RIGHT NOW.
In 20 minutes your blood pressure will drop back down to normal.
In 8 hours the carbon monoxide (a toxic gas) levels in your blood stream will drop by half, and oxygen levels will return to normal.
In 48 hours your chance of having a heart attack will have decreased. All nicotine will have left your body. Your sense of taste and smell will return to a normal level.
In 72 hours your bronchial tubes will relax, and your energy levels will increase.
In 2 weeks your circulation will increase, and it will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks.
In three to nine months coughs, wheezing and breathing problems will dissipate as your lung capacity improves by 10%.
In 1 year your risk of having a heart attack will have dropped by half.
In 5 years your risk of having a stroke returns to that of a non-smoker.
In 10 years your risk of lung cancer will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
In 15 years your risk of heart attack will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
So, you have more immediate things to look forward to if you quit now besides just freaking out about not being able to smoke.
True, and not just for a few minutes. A chicken can stagger around without its noggin because the brain stem, often left partially intact after a beheading, controls most of its reflexes. One robust fellow lived a full eighteen months. Likely he was a real birdbrain, however.
When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
People never have to look at the screen or use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Super-computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
All computer panels (e.g. Star Trek) have thousands of Kilovolts running just underneath the panels. Any Malfunction is indicated by a big flash and loads of sparks, a puff of smoke, and an explosion that forces people backwards.
Some computers slow down the text output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. An optional pip sound can be produced as each letter or line is displayed.
The most technical the equipment, the more (unlabelled) buttons it has.
No matter what format of computer disk you have, it will be readable by any system you put it into. Therefore, all application software in movies is usable by all computer platforms.
Real-time video communication is possible on small hand held devices and small laptops ; also when using wireless modems, the speed of data transfer is always around 3 Gigabytes per second.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under 5 seconds.
Whenever a movie character looks at a VDU, the screen image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet!
Smashing the VDU will prevent the whole system from working.
You can launch nuclear missiles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password.
1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow human; it was physically impossible . The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray. "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Travel much? If so, here is a list of airports in the U.S. that offer free Wi-Fi so you can log on while you’re waiting for your plane or during that longer than you like layover.
Update: I’ve been duped! I’m gullible! If I had gone on and read more about this I would have discovered that it is a farce. I admit I was surprised when I originally read this….. that’s why I posted it. And I trusted that snopes.com would be an accurate source for info.
So, the truth is, Mr. Ed really was a horse. But don’t tell me he really could talk?
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for some tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this: Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.”
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day.
Go for a swim.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
O pen doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my Corona... (fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
This is a shot from the plane as I left Las Vegas this afternoon. I left some cash there too.
This is the Eifel Tower at the Paris Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The tower is a 1/2 scale, 540 foot replica of the one in Paris France.
This is the famous marquis for the Stardust Hotel and Casino which is due to be closed three weeks from today (November 1st). The Stardust opened on July 2, 1958 at a cost of $10 million. It had 1,065 rooms that rented for $6.00 a day.
The roadside sign was freestanding with a circle constraining an amorphous cloud of cosmic dust circled by an orbit ring and covered in dancing stars. The hotel's name was nestled in a galactic cloud. Subsidiary signs marked out the domain of the Stardust at secondary entrances. Lacking the Desert Inn's lawn and fountain, or the Riviera's dramatic front drive, the front of the Stardust was a parking lot with a sign.
The Stardust will be demolished after closing to make way for Echelon Place, a $4 billion complex featuring 140,000 square feet of casino space, 5.300 rooms, and 25 restaurants and bars. The grand opening is set for 2010.
Wally was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Wally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wally.
"What in bag?" asked the old man. Wally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade....."
This is from the Micro Image Blog. It’s a close-up of the back of a Lincoln penny which has the memorial complete with the tiny figure of the president sitting. Magnification: 50x.
A pioneer rancher spent the summer making a huge stack of hay to feed his cows through the winter. When he thought he had enough, he sent his son to ask a wise old Indian chief what kind of winter to expect.
The chief solemnly shook his head and sad, “Bad!”
Alarmed, the rancher made even more hay, then sent his son back for an updated forecast.
“Very bad!”, said the Indian chief.
So the rancher desperately made still more hay, then sent his son back to the chief.
“Bad winter. Much cold. Deep snow for many moons”, he warned ominously.
Impressed and worried, the son finally asked, “Please tell me: How do you know this?”
The chief pointed towards the family’s distant ranch and said, “Because white man make much hay”.
*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*Muriel's Way* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
*Martha's Way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. *Muriel's Way* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. *Muriel's Way*Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
*Martha's Way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*Muriel's Way*If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
*Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. *Muriel's Way* Celery? Never heard of it!
*Martha's Way* Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. *Muriel's Way* The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
*Martha's Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. *Muriel's Way* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
*Martha's Way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. *Muriel's Way* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
*Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. *Muriel's Way* Leftover wine???????????
Hell was first settled in 1838 by George Reeves and his family. George had a wife and 7 daughters – no reason to call it Hell yet… George built a mill and a general store on the banks of a river that is now known as Hell Creek. The mill would grind the local farmers grain into flour; George also ran a whiskey still, so a lot of times the first 7-10 bushels of grain became moonshine.
In turn, horses would come home without riders, wagons without drivers….someone would say to the wife, where is your husband? She'd shrug her shoulders, throw up her arms and exclaim, 'Ahh, he's gone to Hell!'
In 1841 when the State of Michigan came by, and asked George what he wanted to name his town, he replied, 'Call it Hell for all I care, everyone else does.' So the official date of becoming Hell was October 13, 1841.
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. They Walk Among Us! ==========
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us! ==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving. They Walk Among Us! ==========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! ==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us! ==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. They Walk Among Us! =========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us! =========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."
"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.
"I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."
"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean
"Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.
"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive
"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.
"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.
"Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.
"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon
"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.
"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom
"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut
"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.
"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.
"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers
"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet.
"I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer
"Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.
"I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents
Three Little Words That Work !! (1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!! (3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved"
letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope . Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight.
In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes)
ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If y ou want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "But when I walked in, they were speaking German."
1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11 12 x 9 + 3 = 111 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88 98 x 9 + 6 = 888 987 x 9 + 5 = 8888 9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888 98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888 987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888 9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888 98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
1 x 1 = 1 11 x 11 = 121 111 x 111 = 12321 1111 x 1111 = 1234321 11111 x 11111 = 123454321 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321 111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321
Speaking of Bill Clinton and the Monica Lewisnky scandal in 1998…..
"It's vile, It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction." — Rep. Mark Foley, R-West Palm Beach.
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now. . .
No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No baseball No football No hockey No golf No tailgate parties No Wal-Mart No Home Depot No BBQ Pork No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks No gumbo No jambalaya No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey= cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."
2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."
3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
4 Unknown: "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
6. Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."
10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
12. Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
15. Unknown: "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
16. John Updike: "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
17. "Silk Stockings" TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
18. Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
19. P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
20. Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."
21. Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
22. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
23. Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
24.Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high- volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." said the caddie.
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
peel a goat's head and put it in a pot, covering it with water. Add vegetables and spices appealing to your taste and boil it for four to twelve hours. To cure your hangover, drink the broth then crack the goat skull open and eat the brain
lime juice popsicles
a pint of cold yogurt mixed with a pint of cold water till thoroughly blended. Now drnk it.
stick a lemon slice in your armpit or better yet in your ass
beer mixed with clam juice
pickled tomatoes washed down by the brine they were pickled in.
two drops of tobasco on your tongue tip followed by the baby formula Pedialyte.
get two bananas and two cans of your favorite cola. Immediately after you wake up, eat a banana as fast as you can and do ten jumping jacks. Then, quickly, drink one can of cola, slamming it without stopping, followed by five more jumping jacks. Repeat with the second banana and second cola.
drink one glass of cold milk, then eat five teaspoons of ketchup and some tobasco hot sauce.
eat raw cabbage, pickled pigs feet and drink a diet cola...near a bucket...if you know what we mean
eat a pickled sheep's eye in a glass of tomato juice.
Some time ago Pete Rose signed a bunch of baseballs with the inscription “I’m sorry I bet on baseball.” According to media reports, he gave these balls to friends and never intended them to be sold for profit.
But the estate of one of the collectors who received the ball decided to put 30 of them up for auction. There was speculation that these balls would sell for a huge amount of money.
That is when Pete Rose stepped in and delivered one of the fundamental lessons in economics: as long as there are close substitutes available, prices can’t get too high.
He is now selling them on his website for $299. This has killed the idea of an entrepreneur making big bucks from them….. and Rose makes money.
Whether its in the car listening to the radio, at a sports event, in a bar, or in the shower, one of the great things about pop music is it invites you to sing along. Some songs clearly are better than others for singing along, and it takes some time for a pop song to establish itself as a clear favorite. Read on for your guide's picks of the best of the best in singalong favorites.
1) Baha Men - Who Let the Dogs Out 2) Beatles - Hey Jude 3) Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive 4) Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You 5) Tommy James and the Shondells - Mony Mony 6) Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - I Love Rock and Roll 7) Don McLean - American Pie 8) Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody 9) Santana Featuring Rob Thomas - Smooth 10) Village People - YMCA
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table for a customer, any customer ... when suddenly a very attractive lady comes over and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says, "but I feel much luckier when I am stripped down to my underwear."
With that, she pulls off her blouse and her trousers, and with a yell of "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" she rolls the dice. At once she begins jumping up and down and bouncing and hugging each of the dealers: "YES! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!" And with that she picks up her money and her clothing and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other, utterly dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
Keep a few of these in your freezer and instead of ice just put one or two of these super-egg shaped beauties in your glass to keep your beverages ice-cold. Only $31
Asked by Mrs. Clark if he knew what day it was.] "Oh, yes; it is the glorious Fourth of July. It is a great day. It is a good day. God bless it. God bless you all. [He then lapsed into unconsciousness. He awakened later, and mumbled] Thomas Jefferson..."
John Adams died on July 4, 1826. He is often quoted as having said "Thomas Jefferson still survives." with some depictions indicating he might have not expressed the entire statement before dying, i.e.: "Thomas Jefferson… still survi—", but some research indicates that only the words "Thomas Jefferson" were clearly intelligible among his last. Adams did not know that Jefferson, his great political rival—and later friend and correspondent—had died a few hours earlier that same 4th of July, 1826.
Notes: French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to members of the press who were to witness his execution.
Is Singing Happy Birthday in Public Really Copyright Infringement?
Yes.
According to United States copyright law in United States Code, Title 17 §106, authors of works such as musical compositions have the exclusive right "to perform the copyrighted work publicly." In United States Code, Title 17 §101, the law defines publicly performing a work as "to perform or display it at a place open to the public or at any place where a substantial number of persons outside of a normal circle of a family and its social acquaintances is gathered."
This means that if you sing Happy Birthday to your family at home, you're probably not committing copyright infringement. However, if you do it in an restaurant — and if the restaurant hasn't already worked out a deal with ASCAP — you may be engaging in copyright infringement.
Cow-tipping myth hasn't got a leg to stand on IT IS the kind of story you hear from a friend of a friend — how, after a long night in a rural hostelry and at a loss for entertainment in the countryside, they head out into a nearby field.
There, according to the second-hand accounts, they sneak up on an unsuspecting cow and turn the poor animal hoof over udder.
Not so, says Margo Lillie, a doctor of zoology at the University of British Columbia
Each evening the bird lover would stand in his backyard, trying to attract an owl into responding to his attempted owl call -- and one night, to his utter delight, an owl finally hooted back to him. He managed to keep the "conversation" going for over a month of nights. He even kept a log.
In the meantime, his wife was gradually getting to know the neighbours. During an over-the-fence chat, she happened to mention that her husband spent his nights calling out to owls.
"That is odd," replied the neighbour. "So does my husband."
A blond lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. ! My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are yhou doing here?: he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
So your hungry, and you have a group of people, and you just can't figure out which restaurant to go to. No problem. Use lunch slots. Lunch Slots will randomly choose from both local restraurants and global chains like Olive Garden, and Chili's. It will then prsent you with three choices on a place to go eat.
That alphabet. It’s been around a long time, and I, for one, have some complaints. Don’t you think it’s time for a redesign? I mean, the thing’s not exactly “fresh” anymore, is it?
This looks like two different people designed these letterforms and they weren’t talking to each other. Both the upper and lower case are quite wonderful, but as a pair? What were they thinking? The capital A has a good iconic structure: three strokes and you’re done. I like the way they lean together to form that stable triangular shape, which is reinforced by the crossbar. It’s very strong.
The lowercase a has beautiful curves, and allows for a lot of variation within the shape. It’s feminine, and extremely sexy, but sometimes the bowl causes problems ... it has so little space to fit into: half the x-height! This is inconsistent with the other letters in the aphabet and seems a bit out of place. As for that other “a”, no comment.
This is a very nice pair; whoever did this was really thinking about the relationship between the two. I like the way the capital B can have some variation in the proportions from top to bottom. Obviously designed by a man, the ball and stick of the lowercase b is simple and, appropriately, half of the cap B. Talk about male and female! The buxom, pregnant cap together with the excitable lowercase.
Too obviously a pair! This is just lazy design, imho. A curve, and a smaller curve. What’s with that? Put some effort into it!
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get 34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
Old time horror theme stories at 
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
While at World Series Game 3 with my brother, I saw this young man right under the scoreboard wearing either a halter top or a sports bra. I know he had to be cold, but I’m sure he had quite a bit of anti-freeze in his system.
While his grandmother, Fredricka Bierdemann, turned her back to get another dollar for a second try, Robert took off his coat and 
The children begged for a bunny rabbit, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.
A dead man had one final earthly act before moving on. 
Sometime overnight we hit the magical 1,000,000th hit on Bits and Pieces. I am probably 50,000 of those hits (proof-reading after posting), but I’m not counting that.
Need a unique halter top? 
Mum defies million-to-one odds to give birth to black and white boys
1. Give up smoking
]
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
CAKE INGREDIENTS:
Some drinkers are 
It seems that the plastic pink flamingo is going the way of dodo. The plastic bird, a kitsch icon that has populated the front lawns of American homes since the 1950s, is about to become extinct. 
ConocoPhillips continues a 54-year tradition by transforming a pumpkin-shaped 3 million gallon storage tank at its Wilmington, California-based Los Angeles refinery into Smilin' Jack, the world's largest Jack-o-lantern. The refinery pumpkin patch expects at least 30,000 visitors who want a close-up look at Smilin' Jack.
Mets left fielder Endy Chavez robs Scott Rolen of a two-run homer in the sixth inning. It was a spectacular catch.
GO CARDS!
I saw a kid with a pair of these on just gliding across the sidewalk. I had to look twice before I figured it out.
St. Louis’ own Chuck Berry, who some call the father of rock and roll, turns 80 today. Berry still performs around the country and at 
The atmosphere at Busch Stadium last night when the St. Louis Cardinals beat the New York Mets 4–2 was incredible to witness. 
Semen makes you happy. That's the remarkable conclusion of a study comparing women whose partners wear condoms with those whose partners don't.
Meet “Hoofie” the pog. Suspected to be part pig and part dog. He has three hoofs and one paw. He seems like a regular piglet except for his left front paw.
In 20 minutes your blood pressure will drop back down to normal. 
hickens can live without a head
Travel much? If so, here is a list of airports in the U.S. that offer free Wi-Fi so you can log on while you’re waiting for your plane or during that longer than you like layover.
He was a zebra! Apparently the stripes on a zebra didn’t show up on TV shows that were filmed in black and white. 
A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.
A photograph taken at a family wedding may have helped to save the life of an 18-month-old girl. 
Wanna try something different? How about a cubed egg?
It’s in Michigan.
Chimfex Fire Suppressor - SOLD OUT
Some time ago Pete Rose signed a bunch of baseballs with the inscription “I’m sorry I bet on baseball.” 
IT IS the kind of story you hear from a friend of a friend — how, after a long night in a rural hostelry and at a loss for entertainment in the countryside, they head out into a nearby field. 
