INSIDE HOLLYWOOD'S VAMPIRE COVEN
Celebrity Blood-Suckers Revealed!
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A new entry in "Guess That Boob!". Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: talk quietly...
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BREAKING NEWS: VINCE VAUGHN IS STILL A VAMPIRE
Hollywood- Reports coming out of the recent "People's Choice Awards" provide new and compelling evidence that actor Vince Vaughn continues to be a blood-sucking vampire. As the photos above show, Mr. Vaughn's appearance is still that of a pale, evil vampire. His hypnotic stare destroying the will to live of actresses and audience members wherever he goes.
The most compelling evidence is the death-like appearance of the once-strikingly-attractive Christina Applegate, who, as pictured above, has clearly been taken under Mr. Vaughn's vampiric cloak. Drained of blood, she is now one of the walking dead...and a member of Vince's undead entourage.
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Read the previous article about Vince's vampirism HERE
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THE TOP "NO LONGER HUMAN" HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES. GHASTLY.
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The first new entry in "Guess That Boob!" for 2007. Happy New Year! Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity breasts...no hint today - it is THAT easy...
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SARAH JESSICA PARKER IS A HORSE
Apparently the vehicle follows Sarah Jessica Parker around every where she goes in New York City and picks up her droppings...you know, because she is a horse...or looks like one.
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RIHANNA AND FRANKENSTEIN...SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
We've done stories on celebrities with HUGE foreheads before...but you could fit Reese Witherspoon's, Sarah Jessica Parker's and Marcia Cross's foreheads on about 10% of Rihanna's monstosity of a skull. Crisis in the Middle-East? Give the Palestinians an independent state on Rihanna's skull.
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CHECK OUT MY DUDE ART...DUDE.
You want a toe? I'll get you a toe!
I am selling a couple of my original small Dude from the Big Lebowski artwork prints on e-bay. These are hand signed and numbered prints on canvas. Pick one up for your stoner friends Christmas gift, and help me pay for this freaking site...the Dude abides...but the bill collector does not. Just click on the image to go straight to the auction.
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SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S NOSE ATTACKS NEW YORK CITY
Actress's Snout Detaches From Body and Wreaks Havoc
NEW YORK CITY -- In a shocking scene of untold destruction and terror, Actress Sarah Jessica Parker's giant, malformed nose detached from her body yesterday evening and went on a rampage through midtown Manhattan.
"The nose just tore through Central Park and headed straight for the river," said city spokesperson, Harry Smiderson. "Emergency personnel and law enforcement were on the scene immediately, but there have been numerous casualties and massive property damage."
The nasal terror was cornered by police SWAT teams and "Blown to Hell" according to eyewitnesses. These eyewitnesses reported seeing SWAT members firing automatic weapons into the monstorous nostrils while "repelling down nose hairs the size of electrical cables."
A spokesperson for the now nose-free actress said the actress could offer no explanantion for the incident, and was "Appalled by the loss of life and property, but quite frankly glad to see the nose gone."
Statements from New York State Governor George Pataki and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg are expected later this afternoon.
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TEN MORE THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE A PENIS
I'm not sure what it says about this website, or the thousands of people who visit it every day, but our ALL-TIME most viewed page is "Ten Things That Look Like A Penis". Naturally, we are not above trying to repeat this success, so here you have - "Ten MORE Things That Look Like A Penis". Enjoy, you crazy internet web surfers.
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TOP TEN NICKNAMES FOR THE McRIB SANDWICH
In honor of the return of the most hideous sandwich of all time - here is our annual list of nicknames for the McRib "sandwich".
10.The McFake
9. The Shitbomb on Bread
8. The McSevered Hand
7. The Accidentally put in my bag, didn�t really order it, seriously.
6. The McExplosive Diarrhea
5. The McHorror Movie Prop
4. The McClogger
3. The Vengeful Oinker
2. The Death by Sodium
1. The McRip-off
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A LOOK AT THE TOP POST-ELECTION HEADLINES
We are happy to see that honesty has returned to our nation's print journalism.
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LET'S PLAY "FIND VAL KILMER!"
Yes, somewhere up above in that group of photos is Val Kilmer. The same Val Kilmer who once appeared in People Magazine's 50 Sexiest issue. The same Val Kilmer who used to have a career. In fact, almost beyond belief, the picture of Val that is up there was taken at an AUTOGRAPH SHOW! HE signs autographs for money now people...so sad.
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THE TOP 5 MANNISH FEMALE CELEBRITIES
We have compiled a quick list of the top 5 female celebrities that look like men. These women certainly look like they are simply men dressed as women. They belong performing a stage review in Vegas. What is interesting is that at one time or another, or in a certain light - they can be very hot...but as Austin Powers said - "She's a man, baby!"
1. Jennifer Garner: Probably the most controversial of our choices, but her jaw line is epic, and she could kick our asses.
2. Jessica Simpson: If folks would take their eyes off her chest, they would see she looks like a boxer. James Bond called - he wants his chin back.
3. Madonna: A mouth like a hockey player. Maybe she is just hideously ugly.
4. Hilary Swank: They have tried hard to glam her up in this picture, but let's face it, her best and most convincing role was as a woman pretending to be a man...
5. Sarah Jessica Parker: The Queen Mother of mannish female celebrities, Sarah's face has more in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger's than any female celebrity I can think of.
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We have had a team of experts, forensic, sociological and others, examine a recent photo of Tom Cruise and his hostage soon-to-be-wife, Katie Holmes. Here are their conclusions:
1. "Even sitting down, Ms. Holmes is taller than Mr. Cruise. Their hair color is now almost identical."
2. "The oversized sunglasses fail to cover up the 'deer-in-the-headlights' look on Katie's face. She is either on serious drugs, or there is a great deal of tension in her body as she considers springing up and sprinting to freedom."
3. "Judging by the facial expression and placement of the thumb on the nerve center of his chin, Mr. Cruise seems either deeply disturbed by what he is watching, or he has to have a bowel movement."
4. "The loose way they are holding hands suggests a lack of intimacy and a sense of obligation to display affection for the benefit of others. Or, Ms. Holmes is preparing to throw Mr. Cruises's hand aside and sprint to freedom."
5. "Despite her greater mass, Katie is higher up in her chair than Tom. This suggests that she is not entirely comfortable with her position and is, perhaps, preparing to jump up and sprint to freedom."
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DENISE RICHARDS IS DATING RICHARD PETTY
Oh, Wait, I Guess That Is Richie Sambora
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DO NOT CLICK BELOW!!
Doing So Will Reveal The Most Horrible Pictures Of All Time
I am warning you not to click on the image above. It will permanently wipe out all sexual desire you have for the rest of your life. You will, in effect, be neutered through grotesque visual stimuli courtesy of a big Hollywood star. The effect works the same on both men and women, so steer clear.
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ARETHA FRANKLIN'S BREASTS APPLY FOR STATEHOOD
Republicans Worry That New 'Boob' States Would Support Democrats
DETROIT -- Aretha Franklin is behind, literally, a growing movement to grant statehood to her two enormous breasts.
"The two masses have a an area in square miles the equivalent of Vermont and New Hampshire, and I see no compelling reason that they should not be granted statehood," says the movement's spokesperson, Harry Smiderson.
Republicans in Washington are terrified that the movement may gain momentum in the current anti-Bush atmosphere. "Two large, African-American breasts are likely to generate senators and representatives that vote along with the democrats, and this is a scenario we cannot allow," says National Republican Party spokesperson, Roger Snick.
Ms. Franklin has refused to comment to media about the issue.
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MEL GIBSON TO REMAKE 'SCHINDLER'S LIST'
Says The Film Will Be Similar, But "Without All Those Pesky Jews"
HADES -- Mel Gibson continues to turn heads in Hollywood and around the globe after his smash-hit bloodbath The Passion of the Christ, and subsequent drunk driving arrest. Gibson has announced plans to remake Steven Spielberg�s heartbreaking Holocaust drama, Schindler�s List.
"I have a great respect for the original, but it seems to me it was too focused on the plight of the Jews," Gibson said through his publicist, Heinrich Himmler.
Gibson plans to begin filming within a few months, although production was delayed when his first choice for cinematographer, Leni Riefenstahl, passed away.
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JENNIFER LOPEZ TO STAR IN REMAKE OF
BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES
Or so it would seem, judging by the hideously absurd dress she just wore to the MTV Video Awards.
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Oh wait, that has already happened. Nevermind.
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CHRISTINE AGUILERA'S RIGHT BOOB MAKES A RUN FOR IT
Tired of Being Crushed, Breast Flees
HOLLYWOOD--In a stunning development sure to have major repercussions on her career, Christine
Aguilera's right breast escaped from the tortuous confinement of her continually absurd
clothing, during a movie premiere last night.
The photo above captures the seconds before the breast fully escaped the garment and rolled
through the stunned crowd to freedom. In the photo, the right breast can clearly be seen
rising a full 8 inches higher than the left breast.
Stunned on-lookers watched as the breast popped free and made a quick escape, and a clearly
distraught Ms. Aguilera could be heard crying "What am I supposed to do with just one?!"
As of the writing of this article, the right breast has already gotten an agent, signed a recording contract with BMG music, and is fielding offers from big time producers like Sean Combs and Jelly-Fat.
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SCARLETT JOHANNSON BRINGS PHALLUS TO PREMIERE
Whips Out Dildo Just Before Signing Autographs
HOLLYWOOD--Current "It" girl, Scarlett Johansson, surprised fans at a recent red carpet movie premiere, by pulling out a golden dildo from her small handbag while searching for a pen to sign autographs.
Apparently unphased by the gasps and twitters from the crowd, Scarlett continued to sign autographs, all the while maintaining a firm, but not too firm, grip on the artifical phallus.
"She just kept on signing. It was obviously something she was very comfortable with.," said a clearly thrilled fan, James Wilson.
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LINDSAY LOHAN CAUSES BIKINI SHORTAGE
Starlet Buys and Hordes 95% of all Bikinis in North America
MALIBU--Young starlet Lindsay Lohan has surrounded herself in contraversey for the second time in a week, by buying tens of thousands of bikinis and hording them in several area residences and warehouses.
"It kind of started innocently. She was just shopping a lot, and one day we came home and she laughed that she must have about 1,000 bikinis," says a close friend of Ms. Lohan who was privy to the actress's plans.
"Her eyes got this kind of crazy look in them, and I heard her mumble 'I must have them all.'"
Apparently the actress began buying out major store's supplies of the swimsuits several weeks ago. Target, Walmart and Macy's all report zero stock in bikinis at this time.
Online auction sites like e-bay have seen a huge spike in bathing suit prices, with a "black market" developing. One person purchased a Jaclyn Smith bikini that was originally from K-mart for over $1,300 late Tuesday evening.
As if to flaunt her growing swimsuit monopoly, Ms. Lohan has been seen in a huge variety of bikinis over the last couple of weeks, as evidenced in pictures that can be found here.
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JESSICA SIMPSON LOSES HER HEAD
Bad Hair Day Turns Tragic
HOLLYWOOD--Amateur video captured the horrific death of actress and pop singer Jessica Simpson, early Monday morning.
The busty blonde was apparently the victim of a bad hair day gone horribly wrong.
"Her hair just started whirling in the wind, and she was laughing, and then all of a sudden it turned to screams of terror. It was horrible, just horrible," said a clearly shaken eyewitness. "There was a cracking noise, lots of blood and it was over."
Ms. Simpson's representatives released this brief statement: "We have all lost a bright star with an unlimited future to a tragic hair-tangling event. As we seek to learn how this folicular nightmare could have occurred, we will leave no stone unturned, no conditioner uninvestigated, no detangler unexamined. Please pray for Jessica's friends and family in this difficult time.
Ms. Simpson's sister, Ashlee, is said to be in seclusion with a team of hair specialists standing at the ready.
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EDDIE MURPHY DATING MELBA TOAST
"Mel B" Not To Be Confused With "Melba"
LOS ANGELES--Quickly acting to debunk widespread internet rumors, actor Eddie Murphy's publicist issued a statement today clarifying rumors that the comedian was due to marry former Spice Girl "Mel B".
"What you have heard is completely untrue. Mr. Murphy is involved in a serious relationship with a piece of Melba Toast, not singer Mel B," said the publicist, Howard Finnegan, in a statement early Monday.
The statement included the photograph, pictured above, of Mr. Murphy and the aforementioned piece of Melba Toast at a recent movie premiere.
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MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IMPREGNATES PLANET EARTH
Hopes To Create 'New World'
MALIBU-- Thirty-six year-old actor, Matthew McConaughey, was caught on film yesterday having coitus with planet Earth. The actor later told the crowd that had gathered that he was seeking to "plant the seed for a new planet, since the one we all live on now, is being destroyed."
Shocked passerbys said the actor seemed to be loving and gentle in the act, and the Earth itself later commented to reporters who had congregated at the point of "entry", that the actor was one of the best she had ever had.
"To be honest, he was quite good, and I hadn't really gotten much action for about 200 years or so. Napolean did me on that island prison one night. He was quite good. It's true what they say about short men, I guess."
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CARSON DALY IS BECOMING MAX HEADROOM
Concerned Friends Find Him 'Annoying'
LOS ANGELES-- Concerned friends of talk show host and former heart-throb Carson Daly, have confronted their friend regarding the alarming change in his appearance.
"It seems like a few months ago he was just regular-looking, Carson. But now, he is transforming himself into 'Max Headroom'," says a concerned former lover of the MTV personality.
Apparently, Mr. Daly became obsessed with the 80's technology icon 'Max Headroom' while watching DVD's of the short-lived television series. "He talks about Max Headroom all the time," says a close friend. "He lost weight, changed the shape of his face, and started dressing like the guy - all day, every day," continues the friend.
Apparently, friends gathered at Mr. Daly's residence a few days ago to confront him, but were rebuffed when Mr. Daly threw them out of the house, yelling that they were all going to be "deleted".
Mr. Daly's spokesperson refused comment on this story.
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