If you're toting around a cocaine stash holder, chances are you're a pretty experienced cocaine user. So with all that experience, how do you practically miss your nostril when you do a bump? I was just wondering. That question was totally off topic, anyway. I don't even know why I asked.

Hey, look, it's Denise Richards and Richie Sambora relaxing at the beach.



Thanks very much to Chris for sending these in!

Fergie is in Miami as part Pepsi's Super Bowl Smash, where she announced to reporters the news that nobody the world was waiting for - she's not engaged to or impregnated by her boyfriend, Josh Duhamel.

I've heard that I've been engaged probably about seven times, and pregnant, but I've never been either. Sorry to disappoint."

I don't know about the reporters, but I can say for a fact that Josh's penis isn't disappointed. Mainly because it can't understand why his owner is three years older than Fergie yet Fergie looks like his grandmother. My penis also wants to know why all of Fergie's songs are about how every guy wants to fuck her, when it's clear she's some sort of undead monster. While I was typing this he said, "Seriously, she knows she looks like that, right? I mean, she has to. Come on, dude. Really? Damn."


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When I was in 2nd grade, my neighbor brought her doll up to my tree house and said it was our baby. We named her Hannah. I went to work everyday to my job as a spaceship commander and secret agent while she took care of baby Hannah. I don't know what ever happened to my neighbor, but this is just my romantic lead in to say that baby Hannah looked like me about as much as Michael Jackson's kids look like him. You see, because Hannah was made of straw and cotton. Michael Jackson's kids were made by two white people. Michael Jackson is white now, but according to mosquitoes fossilized in amber, DNA doesn't change. If these were really Michael Jackson's kids, they wouldn't look like they were about to go stand under a parasol and sip iced tea during the polo match. They would look like this. Sorry Mike, you can't bleach semen. No matter what Hitler told you in your dreams.

Note: The top photo is Prince Michael II ("Blanket") and the bottom photo is Prince Michael I and Paris Jackson.

Image and story source: TMZ

• Timberlake and Biel were just a fling [Hollywood Rag]
• Victoria Beckham's skinny model ban [Hollywood Tuna]
• Dina Lohan is still whoring out her daughter [Dlisted]
• Taco Bell offers K-Fed a job [A Socialite's Life]
• DJ AM kisses in public [Egotastic]
  
• Katharine McPhee gets McUgly [Just Jared]
• Kevin Bacon and six degrees of charity [City Rag]
• Kate and Pete on a break again [Popsugar]
• I am - Sienna Miller's sex video of the day [Drunken Stepfather]
• Let's All Hug It Out (Smokin' Aces) [Pajiba]
• Penis Cake [College Humor]
  

I distinctly remember a time when Denise Richards was hot, so every time I see her now, the less sentimental value I have for the hotel scene in Wild Things. Like these pictures of her at the beach. The only thing saving her this time is that she's standing next to Richie Sambora. His shirt's pretty clean, so I assume he just got the glazed doughnuts. It's also weird his hat looks clean considering he's been wearing since 1989. It really doesn't look as cool since he's gained about 200 pounds since then. If his head gets any fatter, he'll have to paint it red and yellow then put a little propeller on top.

AskMen.com has revealed their "Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2007" and Beyonce Knowles was voted this year's top "fantasy girlfriend."

Voters were asked to consider qualities beyond sex appeal and beauty, such as "intelligence, humor, charisma and ambition," according to the site. More than 8.5 million votes were cast, the Web site says. Knowles, currently co-starring in "Dreamgirls", was followed by screen sirens Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, supermodel Adriana Lima and actress Jessica Biel. Rounding out the top 10 were model Alessandra Ambrosio, singer Shakira, TV host Maria Menounos and actresses Angelina Jolie and Elisha Cuthbert."

I should probably point out that I've looked at all 99 women, and my penis and I are formally demanding a recount. There's no way this is right. Science hasn't proven the existence of a wormhole that would take you to an alternate reality where Beyonce Knowles is hotter than Alessandra Ambrosio, Jessica Alba or Angelina Jolie, but I'm gonna go ahead and stake my reputation in the scientific community on the fact that it doesn't exist. Whatever "qualities" the voters were asked to consider, let's face it, it was just a bunch of dudes voting for the chick they wished their ideal girlfriend looked like. You could give any guy a 200 page list of qualities in a woman for him to choose from and it would sound like, "Ok, let's see...blah, blah, blah...no...hell no...no..."Enjoys anal," check. Okay, so do I like turn this in to you or...?"

Beyonce (w/Sharon Stone) yesterday at an amfAR gala:


Some of the losers:


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Alleged rapist and overall douchebag Joe Francis, creator of the Girls Gone Wild franchise, called into the Howard Stern Show Wednesday morning to brag about his pending lawsuit against the people behind ParisExposed.com amongst other things.

Joe Francis called in to Howard this morning to "discuss" his and Paris's pending lawsuit against Parisexposed.com. While he claims he and Paris are not behind the leak, he mentioned the website name numerous times, and Robin and Howard didn't buy it for a minute. Joe sounded extremely drugged up, or hungover, or still drunk?? But then again it was around 8 a.m. Howard time, 5 a.m. Hollywood time...Howard got him to admit that Paris was the best blowjob he'd ever received. When asked who gave the better bj, Paris or Lindsey, Joe responded, "Paris," even though a few statements earlier he claimed, "Lindsey and I are just friends." When asked who was the worst in bed of all the famous chicks he's slept with (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsey, Kimbo Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst, and when Howard asked why, he went silent again. When asked to explain why he claimed Tara was so bad, he wouldn't come out and say it, but merely mumbled, "...well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable..." Howard then began asking more leading questions like, "So she just laid there?" or "Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?" Joe responded, "More or less, yeah." To conclude such highbrow topics, Joe stated, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site."

Holy shit, there's no telling what this guy's penis looks like now. It probably has tentacles and eats cats. When he goes to the hospital, the doctor has to stand behind lead and wear those glasses that generals wear during atomic bomb tests in the desert. I wouldn't admit having sex with these skanks if I was kneeling in front of a Iraqi flag and wearing a blindfold.

Warning: Most of these are NSFW

Tara Reid:


Kimberly Stewart:


Lindsay Lohan:


Paris Hilton:


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Britney Spears looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter. And is it possible for her to ever go out in public without some foul stain of undetermined origin on her clothes? Oh, but let's not ignore the obvious here. We all want to talk about the nips. Those crooked, misdirected nipples of unusual size. It's like the nipples want to be Britney's eyes. And if Britney's eyes grow any further apart, she'll be able to hear out of them.

• Britney thinks she's Jewish now [Dlisted]
• Lindsay Lohan wants McDonald's and sex [Hollywood Rag]
• Gene Simmons and Nicolas Cage: Hair twins [City Rag]
• Biel and Timberlake are probably just friends [Popsugar]
• K-Fed's Super Bowl ad (again because it's too funny) [College Humor]
• Carmen Electra will play a "porn legend" [Hollywood Tuna]
• Heidi Klum needs some makeup [Egotastic]
  
• Pictures of Diddy's new twins [Just Jared]
• K-Fed wants more money [A Socialite's Life]
• Jennifer Aniston turns herself into 'Jengelina' [Popbytes]
• I can't do anything I want, and neither can you [Pajiba]
• Check out Simon Cowell's hot man-boobs [Celebitchy]
  

There's a reason the sex scene between Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen in Factory Girl looks so real, it is. The pair had a brief fling during the month long shoot, and when it was time for reshoots six months later, they apparently picked up where they left off. New York Daily News says:

When it came time to shoot the love scene, word is the former lovers dispensed with the flesh-colored socks and pads favored by actors on less familiar terms. And, once the cameras were rolling, the two 25-year-olds fell into old habits..."It's not simulated," an insider tells us. "They're really doing it."

This is probably true because Sienna is famous for being an attention whore and her vagina is like Ellis Island when she gets on a movie set, so the only real mystery here is who Sienna picked last for the on-set gangbang. Probably the Mexican paint crew. Like Share Bear says, "Do your share of sharing!"

NSFW scenes from Factory Girl:

After meeting at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, Diddy and Sienna Miller have been seen together at clubs in Park City and New York all over each other. Sunday morning, paparazzi caught Diddy going inside Miller's NYC apartment and leaving 45 minutes later (awww yeah), only to have Diddy come over and try to explain. Page Six reports Diddy got better results the previous night:

Page Six has learned that a Saturday night clubgoer at Crobar tried to take a photo of Combs and Miller dancing together..."After the girl took the photo, Diddy didn't say or do anything," a witness said. "By the time he was 20 feet away, one of the security guys handed the camera to the bouncer, the bouncer handed it to the girl, and the memory card was gone...Diddy obviously doesn't want photos taken of him with Sienna."

Gee, I wonder why Diddy would be trying so hard to cover up his blossoming romance with Sienna Miller? Oh, I know, it's because Kim Porter, Diddy's girlfriend, is sitting at home with his newborn twins. When asked how she felt, Kim Porter started making sounds like a cash register.

Sienna partying without pants at a Factory Girl premiere afterpary:

Here's a clip from Thursday's upcoming episode of the Thighyra Banks Show where Tyra thought it would be a good idea to respond to the people who called her a fat ass because of recent "unflattering" bathing suit photos by wearing the same swimsuit. The same swimsuit only in a different size because it's obvious she starved herself for about two weeks so she could preach to us about self esteem. I guess things are a little different now that she's 161 pounds. What she says is powerful and will almost make you cry until you realize she's made millions from perpetuating the stuff she's now complaining about. If a girl who looked like Tyra showed up at an America's Next Top Model audition, I wonder if Tyra would even wait to put down the turkey leg and syrup before she pulled the lever to the trap door.


Banner image source: Concrete Loop

People dream of becoming a big stars so they can afford fancy houses and fancy cars, but it's only Britney's dream to drive that car to fucking McDonald's. God, she needs to get into a hunting accident. There's no reason she should be allowed to be a millionaire. If karma was real, she'd be taking night classes or having her uncle's baby.

This blind item piece of gossip recently appeared in Page Six of The New York Post: "This actress was always the goody goody. She has worked hard to change that image by doing less family friendly films and making sure to wear enough see through dresses on the red carpet. She wanted to lose the squeaky clean image to get better roles, but also to sell the idea that she was sexy and desirable to men. She has no desire for men, just wants the world to perceive her as a sex symbol. Everything was going according to plan until her last movie for which there were raves. There she met another actress and love was in the air. They were inseparable for the entire shoot and even got an apartment to share. Once filming ended, our actress decided to end the relationship for fear it would damage her career. The new lover who has been quietly out for sometime and is quite the scene stealer thinks our actress should get smart and stop pretending and start living."

Most people would assume that this is about Jessica Biel, because they are jealous of what we have together, but the general consensus is that it's Anne Hathaway. Although this kills the myth that gayness doesn't strike twice (her brother is also gay), this makes her officially not boring. The "new lover" is supposedly either quietly out Heather Matarazzo (this sexy beast) who Hathaway met on The Princess Diaries movies or Emily Blunt from The Devil Wears Prada. According to IMDb, Matarazzo and Hathaway "still call each other frequently and hope to be friends for the rest of their lives." Blunt calls Hathaway "her rock" and is "dating" singer Michael Buble. For the love of God, please let it be Emily Blunt, because you couldn't smoke enough weed to understand why Anne Hathaway would let Dawn Weiner go down on her. It must've been some kind of trick. Like the time my Chemistry teacher told me it would only be gay if I was on the bottom. Turns out he was just saying that.

About the "see through dresses" (NSFW):


Emily Blunt, Michael Buble and Anne Hathaway at a The Devil Wears Prada premiere:


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