Quite brilliant, really, when you think about our current state of affairs and the increasing need to retreat into the cocoon of denial and escapism. Guillermo del Toro brings us this alternate, down-the-rabbit hole reality that just might be more trippy than Lewis Carroll’s gobbledygook for young children. Pan’s Labyrinth brings the magical realism that is Mexican filmmaking to the fore—and it dazzles like a vertiginous hallucination with colors and textures that jump off the screen. The cerebral teaser tagline, “What happens when make believe believes it’s real?” just might be oblique enough to make you pause and use the very squishy labyrinth that is your brain.
Pan’s Labyrinth is a tragically beautiful dreamscape that grows out of the carnage of the Spanish Civil War in 1944. The new trend in filmmaking seems inclined to harness the bucking bull of violence—not the Jackson Pollack, splatter paint/comic book bloodshed of Kill Bill and Pulp Fiction, but the kind of hole-in-your face, cannibalistic action that leaves you with your mouth rigidly clenched in “O.” FYI people: fatalistic beauty is in.
At the heart of the movie is a stoic young beauty, Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) who has mastered the art of the dreamy, yet pointed stare. Ofelia is either one precocious young chica, or she’s got some serious emotional baggage after her mother Carmen shacks up with the sadistic Fascist Captain Vidal. Nice work Mom.
Ofelia finds outlet in the stony walls that make up the tellurian labyrinth, discovering the Faun, who directs her to three tasks that will ensure her immortality. With off-putting opaque eyes, the tree-limbed Faun (played by the ever protean Doug Jones) is a creaky beast who oversees the entrance to the magical underworld. Heaven and Hell intersect in the tightly coiled walls of the labyrinth, which stands for all things polar and paradoxical. Conceived as preadmite—the maze is the figurative aborted maternal womb foreshadowing the fall of mankind.
The literary and mythology references run rampant, from the sinful seduction of food, to an Odyssean descent into the underworld. Physical deformity becomes the norm as products of the war and Ofelia’s imaginative surplus. A baby-eater with some impressive baggy skin post-natal-starvation is hands down the biggest freak out, certifiable enough to scare the bejeezus out of a grown adult. I have to wonder what kind of childhood Del Toro experienced to conjure up such a monstrosity. But nightmares schnightmares, it’s just harmless make believe right?
At times, the immediacy of Vidal’s warfare threatens to completely overtake the enchanted alternate world—I almost became disillusioned with the very reality of the movie itself. But Harry Potter, take note: this is magic when it’s all grown up, and it sure as heck beats the living daylights out of some prepubescent fantasy with wands. Now, just where is that damn rabbit hole?
There’s a fever rising and it’s about to shatter the thermometer of pop culture. Medicate and prepare yourselves for the six season of “American Idol,” one of the most popular television shows to showcase both raw talent and humiliation in an all too familiar extravaganza. Randy, Paula, and that black t-shirt-wearing Brit, Simon, will debut Monday, January 15th on the only network synonymous with class, FOX. And to commemorate the comeback we wanted to showcase our September 3rd, 2006 trip to the “A.I.” audition in Memphis, TN once again. Here’s a little fun for the new readers out there as well as chance for those who have seen it prior to laugh and cry all over again. Enjoy what could be the only cure for AI-mania…
We’d like to welcome our newest east coast C&V contributor, Seth Cohen, and commemorate the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ 23rd anniversary with his review of an October 18th, 2006/Continental Arena concert.
-Amit
From the opening notes of “Can’t Stop” to the closing chords of “Give It Away,” only one word can describe the Chili Peppers experience: INTENSE. And I mean good old grit-your-teeth, stomp-your-feet, and pump-your-fists intense.
The show began with the trio of musicians - Flea on bass guitar, Chad Smith on drums, and John Frusciante on guitar building a quiet and steady jam. The slow build-up into the show’s opening number, “Can’t Stop,” created a feeling of great anticipation as the fourth band member, Anthony Kiedis, exploded onto the stage with a primordial scream. Blinding lights and video screens that reached halfway across the ceiling lit up the sold out arena as the audience went berserk.
No time was wasted as RHCP launched into their newest hit single, “Dani California,” off of their current album, “Stadium Arcadium.” While the song does sounds suspiciously like Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance,” it holds its own with a perfect blend of pop, funk and metal that the Chili Peppers pull off so well.
Following this crowd pleaser, the group continued with a mix of show standards – “Scar Tissue,” “Parallel Universe,” “Right on Time,” and “Californication,” – and a number of songs from the new album such as “Charlie,” “Hump de Bump,” and “Tell Me Baby.”
While all of these songs rocked in their own right, “Don’t Forget Me” was undeniably the highlight. Beginning slowly and quietly with Flea’s perfectly timed bass licks, and building into a mesmerizing climax in which Anthony Kiedis wails in perfect harmony with Frusciante’s ripping guitar solo, this tune sent people into a wild frenzy. The show could have ended there and you would have left with a smile on your face.
On they went for almost two hours, closing the set with the literally show stopping “By The Way.” This was the band’s final chance to show off their chops before leaving for the encore break. Anthony twirled around the stage at breakneck speeds. Flea leapt 4 feet in the air with his multicolored pajamas, thrashing his head in a way that would make members of Metalica green with envy. Pounding the skins, Chad Smith perfectly complemented Flea’s funk by holding it down behind the kit. And, of course, Frusciante’s almost animalistic guitar-playing united with the other’s energy for one final explosive climax…or so we all thought.
The band returned for the encore to a cheering crowd. Those cheers then turned into a group sing-along as the band began perhaps their most notable song, “Under the Bridge.” While this song is a beautifully written confession of the trials of heroin addiction, the performance was somewhat tainted as Kiedis’ and Frusciante’s vocals were drowned out by the out-of-key audience.
The final song of the night, “Give It Away,” was, other than “Under the Bridge”, the only pre-1999 song of the night. I found this somewhat disappointing, but this loud funk rock number took those in the arena older than age 17 back to the good ole days. The loud rap-rock vocals Kiedis delivered were flawless. After the final verse, he left the stage and the show ended as it had begun; the three remaining musicians were left to jam the night away.
Have you seen the newest trailer for Transformers? It’s unbelievable. Not in the ultra-cool, Gen X/Y connotation of the word, but rather, “What the hell is Michael Bay thinking?” Precisely 17 seconds into the first real glimpse of the 80’s cartoon series-turned-another-movie we find Sam Witwicky, played by teen actor Shia LaBeouf (French for “No Real Career”), wearing a vintage The Strokes band t-shirt. I understand the movie’s fictionally centered around killer robots that morph into vehicles, but believing anyone still enjoys The Strokes enough to don the one hit wonders’ apparel six years after their debut is bovine fecal debris.
“Where’s my taste in music?”
Michael Bay, why not sport a band with some real talent like Scissor Sisters or The Darkness? Either way, we know your too busy stroking your ego to remove Sam’s anachronistic apparel. That’s where C&V comes in. We decided to change the movie’s setting from 2007 to the correct year, 2001, when those “Last Night“-singing hacks scratched their nails on the chalkboard of America. Here’s what the above screenshot should look like. Take note Mr. Bay.
Cryogenically preserved Walt Disney and his legion of animators have plagiarized some of the most memorable stories in cinematic history. From Pinocchio to Aladdin, I grew up watching a library of cartoon classics, and still, to this day, pawn off ownership of these movies to my sister whenever friends ask. Now, thanks to the digital clarity of Platinum Disney DVDs, I’ve noticed these movies in a whole new, post-pubescent way.
Those perky princesses and leading ladies are pretty damn attractive.
That being said, ever wonder what it’d be like to date one of these animated vixens (only because I live alone in a basement, do I). I’ve compiled a list of the 10 most captivating characters ever to come out of the rarely opened Disney Vault. Don’t worry. I’ve pondered the pros and contemplated the cons for each gal to create the most realistic study to date. Read on and see if you agree…
Drowning out of water, Ariel’s torso forces a smile
10. Belle
Where do I begin? For starters Belle’s a Frenchie which means she’s rude and uses liters of perfume to mask a deep-rooted inability to take a shower. Second point, and foremost, she’s into bestiality. There’s no way she knew Prince Typecast was going to turn into a human after the nauseating girl-on-animal make out scene. I don’t care how cute you are Belle, you got down and dirty with a wildebeest.
9. Jasmine
With almond eyes and onyx hair Jasmine’s got the looks and know-how to dress like she’s always ready for bed. As far as finances are concerned, she’s got enough money for you to stay at home and play video games all day in her Taj Mahal. Plus, unlike those girls who carry around irritating miniature dogs in designer bags, Jasmine’s got a full-grown tiger. Definitely a keeper.
8. Pocahontas
Pocahontas is an earthy chick who’s probably not too high maintenance. Things may start off well with the InjunIndian Native American until she ends her nomadic ways and tries to move into your place. Living together she’ll start squawking hippie propaganda and stop shaving her legs. Then, you’ll find out via mixed smoke signals that Pocahontas has dumped you and “switched tribes,” if you know what I mean.
7. Mulan
I once heard that “Asians are a race, not a fetish.” Mulan may appear to be sweet and innocent, but just look at her. The girl’s definitely a filthy nymphomaniac. I don’t care if her uncle invented fireworks, she puts the “nasty” in Ming Dynasty. In addition, the warrior princess parades around with a caged cricket and talks to an imaginary dragon. That makes her insane too. Hell no.
6. Jessica Rabbit
Witness the most scantily clad siren in the Disney catalogue. Not since Snow White’s unreleased 7-dwarf sex romp film has a bigger tramp been caught on celluloid. Truthfully, it’s Jessica’s apparent lust for all things moving that makes me dry heave the words “dirty” and “whore” in no particular gagging order. So, who framed Roger Rabbit? Who cares. Who avoided The Clap after a night with Jessica Rabbit? That’s the real story.
5. Cinderella
Cinderella’s a tease and a complainer. I can already hear her whining “my stepsisters tore my outfit…these shoes hurt my feet…take me home by midnight…I’m annoying.” Blah blah blah. Though Cinderella is quite domesticated when it comes to keeping a clean abode, I can’t get past the fact that the blonde’s friends with rats. You might as well bibbidi-bobbidi-boo “delusional” onto this prude’s lengthy list of negatives.
4. Jane
from Tarzan
Jane’s not as popular as the other Disney babes, but she’s rail thin and doesn’t mind if a guy wears a loincloth around the house. That might have won me over, but then I realized she’s voiced by none other than Hollywood’s favorite equine baritone, Minnie Driver.
3. Ariel
Let’s go ahead and get the mermaid’s obvious feature out of the way. Yes folks, Ariel’s a redhead. But hell, she wears a seashell-shaped bra around like it’s no big deal. And after she loses her token gay friend, Flounder, Ariel will become quite the catch. But be careful not to make a bad first impression. Take her to Red Lobster on the second date.
2. Esmeralda
from Hunchback of Notre Dame
You know what’s reassuring? Comprehending that if you, like Quasimodo, have a football-sized swelling on your right shoulder and a lazy eye that wanders like a caffeinated Down Syndrome kid without a leash, Esmeralda will still have the hots for you. She’s alluring and would date anyone or thing.
1. Lady
Hey, don’t judge. You know you’ve noticed those big, black eyes and a smile that won’t quit. I also dig that she eats without utensils. That’s a real woman. Plus, I needed a tenth bitch for the list.
Eels - “Hey Man (Now You’re Really Living)” Remember this band? They had a hit with “Novocaine for the Soul” and became the first band to sign with Dreamworks’ record label back in ‘96. Fast forward ten years to 2006 and they’re still at it. Here’s a catchy ditty that leaves out the dental drugs and instead injects wholesome, electrically contagious music.
