A close-up of Brooke Hogan's face!!!!!!!

A natural beauty.

The Hulk's daughter hit up the Sharpie suite at the Sprint Style Villa in Miami Beach on Saturday.

Brooke Hogen gets her tranny on at the Maxim party at the Sagamore Hotel in Miami Beach on Friday night.

I would fuck Brooke Hogan if ______.

Running into someone we like is always more pleasant than being near vile creatures like Rachel Zoe or Star Jones.

Thankfully for us, we met someone on Friday night at new Miami hotspot Mokai that we actually like (a lot) and who is very talented, Milo Ventimiglia.

And, not only is the Heroes hottie really nice, but he's also a Perezhilton.com reader! And that makes him so much hotter.

Milo was kickin' it with a crew of friends and his agents from CAA, who are having a party at the same venue on Saturday night.

Friday, though, Jeremy Piven and Kanye West held court, hosting a party for the film Smokin' Aces sponsored by Hennesey and Polaroid.

In typical Pivert fashion, Jeremy was smokin' a big fat cigar and chatting with several bimbos.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo made quite an entrance with their entourage of at least a dozen people. They all made a big scene and held hands like grade-schoolers as their group was escorted to their table.

Earlier in the evening, Kevin Federline made an even bigger and more poorly received entrance at the Maxim magazine party at the Sagamore, dubbed "Hotel de Maxim" for the evening.

The soon-to-be former Mr. Britney Spears sprinted down the red carpet and refused to talk to any reporters.

Being the media whore that he is, Perez chatted with just about everyone. The only person that worked it harder than the Queen of All Media was Brooke Hogan, and we all know that tranny is even more desperate than Perezelle.

The Maxim event was an interesting study in social interaction, watching the sports figures interact with the celebrities and the models and a porn star (Stormy Daniels) or two.

A solo Tom Brady - Giselle must have been busy - mingled with our fellow Cubanito, baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez. And, thankfully, Brady didn't hide his pretty little face from the photogs on Friday night.

Joe Simpson was there and his thoughts - he told us - were with long-time famili friend Lane Garrison.

The beleaguered Prison Break star's parents both passed away when he was younger and he was practically raised by the Simpson family.

"Lane will do the right thing," said Papa Joe. "He'll do the right thing by the family [of the deceased]."

On the bright side, Simpson told us that he and his family were thrilled with daughter Jessica's relationship with rocker John Mayer.

The Maxim party featured a musical performance by Fergie, who sang her hits London Bridge and Fergalicious.

It was a predominantly boy's crowd, with such random guests as Andy Roddick, Ryan Cabrera, Steve-O, Pauley Shore, Mickey Rourke, Taye Diggs, Chris Isaak, Craig Ferguson, Jeff Gordon, Snoop, Paul Oakenfold, Taye Diggs, John Salley, Spike Lee, Jerry Bruckheimer, Cal Ripkin Jr, Terrel Owens, Matt Leinert, Reggie Bush, Marlon Wayans, Kid Rock, Ludacris and Jamie Foxx.

"It's great being a star at a Maxim party...because I'm sleazy," David Spade joked to Perez, when he came over to introduce himself.

There's truth in humor, though!

The newly single funnyman was definitely enjoying the attention from the ladies.

Spade and the Gossip Gangstar spent a good time talking about our mutual love and respect of Denise Richards and laughing our asses off at her coochie lips.

Hee hee!

[Perez's tee courtesy of Worn Free and jacket courtesy of Levi's.]

Brooke Hogan attends the Z100 Jingle Ball at Madison Square Garden in NYC with her dad on Friday night.

Fortunately for everyone at the mega concert, the wannabe pop star didn't sing, she just introduced one of the many good acts - like The Pussycat Dolls or The Killers.

Maybe next year, Brooke. But probably not!

"I'd love to invite (the critics) out to lunch and have them get to know the real me. I think it's childish to judge somebody before you even know them. I'm a hard-head. I don't really let anything get in my way. I'm the kind of person who wants to fight back and get back up in their face, which I can't do. So I let it roll off my shoulders and move on."

- Brooke Hogan tells Canada's The Star

Poor Broke Hogan. Poor, misguided, unfortunate Brooke Hogan!!

Our friends at Page Six just reported that Hulk's dogger daughter was frontin' hardcore during a shopping trip in NYC this past week.

Accompanied by a TeenPeople.com camer crew, the "singer" and her dad hit up LF on Fifth Avenue and dropped $900 on clothes and crap, not an insane amount.

After the shoot was done and everyone left, a Hogan flack came back in without cameras to return it all, moaning, "We didn't actually think you were going to charge her!"

Now, here is where the publicist backfired. They actually admitted it!!!

Brooke's flack told Page Six, "When she got to her car she realized she'd overspent, but she did keep a bag and a necklace."

Jackie Beat should be Brooke's new publicist! She coulnd't do any worse than the current one.

[Image for use on PerezHilton.com courtesy of Mavrix Photo.]

Pink does not one make feminine. Yet in a hideous minidress of the aforementioned shade, Brooke Hogan celebrated the release of her new album Tuesday night in NYC with her dad, Hulk, and (we're not sure why) Dennis Rodman.

You know, she's really popular with the truck drivers!!

But seriously, doesn't this bitch have a publicist???? Aren't her record label peeps with her? Don't any of them tell her not to walk out of the house dressed like a tranny hooker?????

Brooke Hogan and her family were guests on the Howard Stern Sirius satellite radio show this morning, and the "musician" treated the King of All Media to a rousing rendition of her debut single I Need To Hire An Image Consultant.

The Hulk's daughter is in today's issue of Metro newspapers, and she gave a totally shiteous interview. The highlight, though, were the last two questions. Check 'em out!

We've always thought of Perez as an "it" too!

Perez is coming home!

The Gossip Gangstar is heading to the MIA this weekend for the Heatherette fashion show on Friday and a big soiree at the Sagamore on Saturday.

And, while we're in our hometown, we may take Brooke Hogan shopping!!!

The Hulk's daughter recently moved to Miami with the fam, and she was roaming Lincoln Road earlier this week looking like that.

Honey, child, there is help. And Perez is gonna give it to you!!!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

Cathy O'Brien from FHM sucks ass!
And, Paul C. Burkholder is full of shit too!

The Hulk's daughter flaunts it poolside at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas.

You see, sometimes less is more! When she's not trying so hard, Brooke Hogan can actually look (relatively) pretty.

P.S. Who wears makeup to the pool????