I Love You, Man

A husband's affectionate relationship with his fishing buddy leaves his wife out in the cold.

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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I were sweethearts through high school and college and have been married for nine years. We have two beautiful children and are very happy. My husband started a new job a few years ago and immediately struck up a close friendship with an unmarried male co-worker. They go on regular weekend fishing and hunting trips. They are so inseparable that our friends, families, and even their co-workers joke about their "bromance." My husband has never displayed any bisexual or gay tendencies before. But he and his friend hug, often have their arms around each other, sit next to each other on our couch when watching TV, and talk for hours in our backyard. They even tell each other, "Love you." I don't believe my husband has said that to any other man, even his father. The friend has become part of our family. The kids adore him and call him "Uncle." Sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of their closeness. Our conversations tend to be about paying bills, housework, and the kids. I tried to talk to my husband about how he and his friend often make me feel like a third wheel. My husband asked whether I want him to cut his friend out of our lives. I don't, but I'm getting frustrated and a little resentful. Any advice?

—Third Wheel

Dear Third,
When your husband and his friend are murmuring together, have you ever heard one of them say, "I wish I knew how to quit you"? One night, after the kids are in bed, suggest the three of you watch a movie. Then pop Brokeback Mountain into the DVD player and let the fun begin. I suppose it's possible that what you're observing between your husband and his friend is just really deep male bonding. Though I suspect it's really deep male bonding, and that if you peeked in the tent when the two of them are "hunting and fishing," you'd find they truly are inseparable. After her marriage to Prince Charles broke up, Diana gave an interview in which she said there were three people in her marriage, the third being Camilla. There are three people in your marriage, and two of them could be named Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist. You have to accept that if you want to stop being the third wheel, you run the risk of the wheels coming off your marriage because it's not clear your husband would choose you over his friend. But after years of this, you're rightfully tired of feeling marginalized in your own home. You and your husband need to have some serious talks about something besides the bills. For starters, you need to know whether he and his pal are lovers. Then you'll have a better idea of whether your husband, like Ennis Del Mar, feels that in regard to his friend, "There ain't no reins on this one."

—Prudie

Dear Prudence: Always a Bridesmaid ... Literally!

Dear Prudence,
I have a daughter who is an addict and alcoholic and lives under a bridge. She is in late-stage alcoholism and clearly will not live long. Periodic attempts have been made over the years to provide help; the last ended with my daughter clearly indicating that she wants to continue living as she does. My daughter has two daughters, 21 and 19, who as a result of their mother's disease have had tragic lives. They recently visited their mother under the bridge and took pictures of her and then proceeded to publish the pictures on Facebook with a very dramatic dialogue. The pictures are disturbing: She is losing her hair, her stomach is horrendously distended. This upset me tremendously. It's not that my child's plight is a secret. My friends and our family all know. But it seemed to me that gross advantage was taken of a woman who has few, if any, defenses left. No one else in the family believes her children's actions were wrong. Am I wrong?

—Grieving

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• I Love You, Man
  A husband's affectionate relationship with his fishing buddy leaves his wife out in the cold.
  Oct. 7, 2010
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