It's not what you said. It's how you said it....

So much of the way we interact socially, and in formal situations as humans, depends on the way we present ourselves. This is termed as "impression management", and relates to verbal, non-verbal, and para-verbal behaviours. 

The degree to which we can effectively demonstrate all the above in ways that are considered neurotypical, will determine how successful we are in any given setting.

One crucial element of neurotypical etiquette is ingratiation, which sees us attempt to mirror or align with the views and opinions of others in the same social group or workplace. At times, neurodivergent people, particularly autistic people, will do their best to mask their neurotype or camouflage it by behaving in a way that most neurotypical people can relate to. In some quarters, this masking can be considered an autistic way of ingratiating themselves with neurotypical people. It's less likely that this camouflaging is necessary in the presence of other autistic adults. 

Studies observing how autistic adults are perceived in situations like job interviews – it's been noted that autistic candidates will be perceived less favourably in the following areas: trustworthiness, likeability, attractiveness, and confidence. This remains the case even when they are perceived to be as qualified for the role as their neurotypical counterparts.

Often, neurodivergent people are considered as too loud or overly expressive. This leads back to the para-verbal impression management aspect, which relates to tone, pitch, pace, and prosody – emphasis of speech.

Neurotypical people will generally speak in a tone and pitch that mirrors that of others – the majority. This is known from an early age. You'll often notice that small children are unable to modify their tone and pitch because they haven't yet learned how to do so.

Take this scenario: Where an autistic college student is having a conversation with her tutor. She relays her concerns about an aspect of the timetable that's been bothering her for some time. Without realising, the student offends the tutor, not by what she said, but the tone in which she said it. Being particularly sensitive to negative comments, the student is upset when the tutor sternly advises her to "watch her tone", delivered in a tone that is unmistakably disagreeable. However, the student is surprised by the tutor's comments and can't understand why she is angry. 

We all recognise how emails can incorrectly create an unfavourable perception of the sender. How many times have you received an email and automatically assigned meaning, intention, and mood to a faceless, toneless message? When you may have the chance to speak to the sender, you can quickly realise that they had no such intention. They may even have sent the email in the spirit of warmth, happiness, and positivity. Imagine the email sender's surprise when you turn up all angry, annoyed, and even vengeful. 

Many neurodivergent people miss seemingly small but crucial cues that form a part of typical communication rules. There is no one definitive style of communication that autistic people adopt, but the recurring themes that many autistic people hear about are harshness, abruptness, rudeness, standoffishness, and a flippant and unfeeling tone, just to name a few.

On occasion, this may be deliberate, as it could be for neurotypical people. However, the consistent level at which speech is sometimes delivered by autistic people can contribute to perceptions that align with those mentioned.

When all is said and done, whilst there are norms of communication set by society, this society is dictated by neurotypical rules – rules that neurodivergent people can understand but can't always mimic. And why should they? Think about it: communication is pivotal to everyone's success. Surely, we can be mindful that not everyone can communicate in a specific way. The rules of engagement are primarily set by neurotypicals, for neurotypicals. But that excludes at least 15% of the global population – that's over 150,000,000 million people, who are likely to interact in ways that don't fit the so-called social norms.

But there's some light on the horizon. We know that sign language is now becoming more mainstream, and that neuroinclusive events now feature silent clapping - waving of hands - to signify appreciation, because traditional clapping can be overwhelming for neurodivergent people.

Change takes time and we know how many humans dislike change but change our perceptions of neurodivergent communication we must in order to create an environment in which everyone feels appreciated, valued, and able to make a meaningful contribution to society.