Balancing feedback and self-worth

Feedback at work doesn't define who I am. Here's why ... My manager once told me I needed to be more assertive in client meetings. Fair enough - useful feedback that I could work with. But then .. For weeks afterward, I found myself analyzing every interaction through this lens. Was I assertive enough in that presentation? Did I speak up at the right moments? Was I disappointing him by being too passive? I realized I had crossed a line somewhere. I wasn't using the feedback to improve my approach - I was using it to measure my own worth. There's a subtle but important difference between letting feedback shape your actions and letting it define who you are. One helps you grow, the other makes you unstable. When you use feedback well, you can extract useful insights while maintaining your sense of self. You adapt your approach without questioning your fundamental worth. Criticism becomes information rather than a judgement on your character. But when feedback becomes too personal, every opinion starts feeling like a criticism of your entire being. You swing between confidence and self-doubt based on the latest comment. You become like laundry on a clothesline, constantly shifting direction with each new voice in the room. I see this pattern everywhere in professional settings: - The manager who got called "micromanaging" once and now second-guesses every interaction with his team. - The presenter who was told he speaks too fast and now obsesses over pace instead of focusing on his message. - The employee who isn't "not strategic enough" and starts questioning every tactic he deploys. The danger isn't in receiving feedback - it's in fusing your identity with it. Maybe it's better to listen to feedback as just data, not as some deep insight about your identity. Ask yourself: "What can I learn from this?" rather than "What does this say about me?" Your identity should be stable enough to weather both praise and criticism without fundamentally shifting. The goal isn't to become immune to feedback - it's to let it inform your growth without letting it define your worth. How do you maintain your sense of self while staying open to feedback? Do tell ! #coachshyam

When was the last time you doubted if you were the right person for the job? If that moment feels recent, know that you’re not alone. It’s a shared experience, one that most people face at some point in their careers. The feeling can be unsettling, as doubts creep in and make you question your competence. But these moments, uncomfortable as they may be, are also opportunities for growth. Self-doubt is more common than many realize. It doesn’t discriminate by rank or position. From entry-level employees to seasoned leaders, everyone encounters it. But here’s the twist: those who dare to question themselves often come out ahead. By examining their doubts, they uncover what works, identify weaknesses, and refine their approach. When those feelings of inadequacy arise, it’s important to pause and reflect. Ask yourself, what’s driving these doubts? Are they based on real gaps in your performance, or are they the result of harsh self-criticism? Reflection helps clarify the difference. It’s also valuable to seek feedback from those around you. Approach trusted colleagues or mentors and ask candidly, “What am I doing well? What could I do better?” The responses can be revealing. Be wary of anyone who insists you’re doing everything perfectly; such feedback, while flattering, is rarely honest or helpful. Instead, look for constructive input—specific suggestions for improvement or affirmation of your strengths. These are the perspectives that can guide your growth. Of course, not all feedback will be easy to hear. Negative comments can sting, but they’re often the most valuable. Take the time to analyze them. Is there truth in what’s being said? If so, use it as a foundation for improvement. If not, set it aside and move forward. The key is to process criticism thoughtfully, turning it into a positive force rather than letting it undermine your confidence. Building a network of trusted confidants is equally important. Surround yourself with people who challenge you constructively, support you in difficult times, and offer guidance when you feel uncertain. These relationships can anchor you when doubt threatens to knock you off course. Far from being a weakness, self-doubt is a natural safeguard that keeps us grounded. It forces us to question ourselves and, in doing so, pushes us to grow. The ability to confront these doubts with curiosity and resilience is what sets successful individuals apart. So, the next time you find yourself doubting your abilities, don’t shrink from it. Instead, see it as an opportunity—a moment to ask the deep questions that lead to meaningful progress. Doubt, when embraced, can be the first step toward becoming the best version of yourself.

“Feedback is a gift.” We’ve all heard it. But here’s the truth: sometimes that gift is the equivalent of socks at Christmas. Not bad, not wrong, just not always what you need. Often in your career, you’re told to treat feedback as gospel. Nod, thank them, implement it. That mindset gets you somewhere, but it doesn’t get you everywhere. Because the reality is: not all feedback is created equal. Feedback always comes through someone else’s lens. Their priorities. Their experiences. Their blind spots. And unless they have lived your full context, they cannot see the whole picture. That is not arrogance, that is reality. Here is the shift I have learned to make: 🤝 Take feedback in gratefully because even socks can be useful. 🥅 Filter it relentlessly by asking: does this move me forward in this situation with this set of variables, or does it reflect their world more than mine? 🎯 Act with discernment by applying what sharpens you and leaving the rest. The leaders who grow are not the ones who blindly accept every piece of feedback. They are the ones who can tell, quickly, what belongs in their toolbox and what does not. Feedback is not a silver bullet. It is raw material. And your job is to refine it. 🕵️♀️

You can agree with feedback—and still feel wrecked by it. Last week, I got feedback I completely agreed with. It was clear, direct, and spot on. And yet… I woke up that night feeling like I might throw up. That’s when I reminded myself: Feedback isn’t just processed in the mind—it’s processed in the body. Even when it’s kind and well-delivered, feedback can still activate the nervous system—especially if it touches identity, performance, or belonging. You might: • Replay the conversation on loop • Feel flooded or anxious • Struggle to focus afterward That doesn’t mean you’re resisting growth. It means your body hasn’t yet felt safe enough to receive it. The shift for me happened when I finally understood this. My brain was on board. But my body needed support. Here’s how to move through feedback more effectively: 1. Acknowledge the discomfort “This is a normal response to growth—not a personal failure.” 2. Complete the stress cycle Walk. Stretch. Exhale slowly. Hum. Move your body in a way that signals safety. 3. Separate truth from trigger Ask: • What’s true and useful here? • What emotion am I feeling, and what does it need? • What story might I be telling myself that isn’t fully accurate? The good news? It gets easier. You can build capacity. Over time, you recover faster. You feel less hijacked. You become more emotionally agile. But that only happens when you process, not suppress. Growth doesn’t require collapse. But it does require integration.

When we receive "constructive" feedback, our brain typically goes into fight-or-flight because the feedback threatens our false identity as perfectionists who never make mistakes. It's not just that our WORK PRODUCT is flawed; we feel flawed. We then default into physical, emotional and cognitive contraction -- receiving the information defensively or aggressively. To be effective at receiving feedback, we must be intentional and strategic about what we say and how we act when the feedback is being conveyed -- otherwise our default nervous system reactions will contaminate our thinking and our behavior. This will harm both our learning/growth and our relationship with the feedback giver -- 2 core pillars of excelling professionally. So how do we override our default reactions and instead signal -- to the feedback giver AND to our own brain -- openness, curiosity and a growth mindset? Here are 4 of the practical tips I shared during "The Art & Science of Receiving Feedback" breakouts I led at the Fisher Phillips retreat last week: 💫 NON-VERBALS: override unconscious physical contraction across the top 5 non-verbals: posture (90°+ between spine and pelvis to overcome "bracing"), arms (don’t create a barrier), eyes (un-squint), mouth (unlock jaw and lips), and breath (deepen to diaphragm and lengthen each cycle). 💫 FIRST UTTERANCE: make your first response either gratitude (a sentence of appreciation) OR pause (if you're too emotional to express gratitude, apply Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's 90-Second Rule) to buy time before speaking. Requesting time to reflect and circling back later that day or next day is highly effective. (We do NOT need to respond substantively in real time, despite our mind’s illusion.) 💫 PARAPHRASE THE FEEDBACK: your first substantive response should NOT be agreement or evaluation; it should summarize it in your own words. This increases comprehension, demonstrates understanding, signals openness, and builds trust (people trust those who understand their views). 💫 ASK 1-2 DEEPENING QUESTIONS: again delaying evaluation, identify 1-2 questions that deepen the discussion beyond what was initially shared by the feedback giver -- demonstrating openness, engagement, and the ability to take the feedback to a deeper or more nuanced level. Then -- AND ONLY THEN -- are you positioned to begin evaluating the validity of the feedback. And yet, as a result of these initial responses, you will have overridden your default reactions, built trust with the feedback giver, cemented your orientation into a growth mindset, and primed your brain to maximally comprehend and evaluate the feedback. Having a simple, science-based road map in those uncomfortable feedback conversations can be a real game-changer. Otherwise, we tend to "shoot from the hip" -- and that is NOT when our highest and best self emerges.... Would love to hear any thoughts, additions, or insights you have on the above!

Early in my career as a Corporate Auditor at Honeywell, we ended each audit with a feedback session. During one of these sessions, my lead, Tom, shared something that stayed with me for the rest of my career. He told me, “Your team and clients love working with you. But I see your pleaser tendencies—and that could limit your impact as a leader.” It was eye-opening. Up until that moment, I hadn’t realized how my desire to please might be holding me back. That moment planted a seed that grew into deeper self-awareness and personal growth over the years. As leaders, we know feedback matters. But how often do we truly seek it out—and receive it in a way that maximizes its value? Yes, feedback can be hard. It triggers emotion. But it can also be the key to real growth. Here are a few things I’ve learned about RECEIVING FEEDBACK: 🔥 Know your triggers and be prepared to manage them. You might feel emotion in the moment, but you get to choose how to respond and move forward. 📫 Separate the message from the messenger. Recognize you likely have feelings about the giver so separate these feelings from the content of the message. ⁉️ Evaluate the feedback. Is it valid? Is it useful? Get curious and ask follow-up questions to understand where it’s coming from and where it’s going. 📖 Make feedback a habit. Create a plan to periodically check in with a few others. Be simple and specific. For example: “What’s one thing you see me doing that might be holding me back?” I’d love to hear from you—was there a piece of feedback that shaped your career? What did you learn from it? #leadershipcoaching #feedback #receivingfeedback #selfawareness #personalgrowth

Some leaders do not struggle with feedback because they lack skill. They struggle because the conversation feels loaded. The stakes feel high. One sentence can either build trust or quietly damage it. It is common to avoid the conversation, soften it too much, or wait too long. But tough feedback does not have to feel harsh to be effective. One approach that helps many is to remove surprise and increase clarity. Instead of dropping criticism into a meeting, you might say, “𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳. 𝘊𝘢𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘣 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵?” That small shift changes the energy. It creates safety before the hard part begins. The same is true when a leader wants to correct performance without attacking identity. Instead of, “You’re disorganized,” you might say, “I noticed the project timelines have slipped. I think a checklist could help us stay organized. What’s your take on that?” Now the conversation is about behavior and outcomes, not character. And when someone shares often in meetings, the goal is not to shut them down. It is to help them become more effective. You might say, “You bring strong ideas, and that adds value. I’ve also noticed others sometimes struggle to get in. Next time, could you pause after sharing so others have space to contribute?” Specific. Respectful. Actionable. Feedback also lands better when support is built in. A simple follow-up like, “Let’s test the new format and reconnect in two weeks to see how it’s going. I’m here to support you,” can turn tension into growth. Research and leadership guidance from Harvard Business Review continues to reinforce this idea, feedback is more useful when it is specific, respectful, and delivered in a way that invites dialogue. What kind of feedback conversation have you been postponing, and what would change if you approached it with more clarity and more care? Let’s talk in the comments. #ExecutiveResilience #LeadershipCommunication #StressToFlow

My mentor often said, "You got this!" while I felt frustrated and stuck in my career. Her constant "encouragement" made me feel ashamed rather than empowered. Because frankly, nothing was moving the way I wanted it to. The self-doubt kept looming over my head. This is when I had to swallow a bitter truth. → The most dangerous feedback isn't criticism. It's the praise that keeps you comfortably stuck. I know, because I spent years collecting cheerleaders instead of critics while feeling stuck in the same role for 5 years. But one conversation changed everything. A colleague (who everyone thought was difficult) said to me, "Your thinking is surface-level. This is why you're not ready for a promotion." My brain's first response was, "How dare you?" Then, a moment of self-reflection. Then, the realization that she was absolutely right. I was great at my level, but I had done nothing to even be barely decent at where I wanted to go. This is a classic case of the seduction of 'toxic' positivity, and why it's so hard to seek difficult feedback. - We seek people who'll tell us what we want to hear because we're terrified of confirming our deepest fears.  - "You can do it!" without "Here's what you need to fix" isn't constructive feedback. It's avoiding the harder conversations about the gaps between where you are and where you need to be. - Knowing who to ask for feedback is a career-growth skill but most feedback can stall you. It might be hard to accept but sometimes mentorship can create unrealistic expectations about career progression, leading to deeper imposter syndrome when facing real barriers. Choose a mentor who isn't afraid to make you uncomfortable. The real question isn't, "What do I want to hear?" It is, "What do I need to hear?" ——— 🔔 Follow me, Bosky Mukherjee, for more insights on breaking barriers for women in product and tech leadership. #productmanagement #productgrowth #womeninproduct #leadership

"Feedback is a gift. It's an opportunity to learn and grow" At Google, we believe in the power of feedback to drive improvement. Sometimes feedback can be tough to hear. But taking the time to unpack it, understand the perspective, and reflect on it is crucial. Why feedback matters: - It reveals blind spots we cannot see ourselves - It accelerates learning by shortcutting trial and error - It demonstrates that others are invested in your success - It creates alignment between perception and reality How to receive feedback effectively: 1. Approach with curiosity, not defensiveness When receiving feedback, your first reaction might be to justify or explain. Instead, listen deeply and ask clarifying questions: "Can you give me a specific example?" or "What would success look like to you?" 2. Separate intention from impact Remember that well-intentioned actions can still have unintended consequences. Focus on understanding the impact rather than defending your intentions. 3. Look for patterns across multiple sources Individual feedback may reflect personal preferences, but patterns across multiple sources often reveal genuine opportunities for growth. 4. Prioritize actionable insights Not all feedback requires action. Evaluate which points will have the greatest impact on your effectiveness and focus your energy there. 5. Follow up and close the loop Demonstrate your commitment by acknowledging the feedback, sharing your action plan, and following up on your progress. Creating a feedback-rich environment: - Model vulnerability by asking for feedback yourself - Recognize and celebrate when people implement feedback successfully - Make it routine through structured check-ins rather than waiting for formal reviews At Google, we've learned that organizations with robust feedback cultures innovate faster, adapt more quickly to market changes, and build more inclusive workplaces. Let's commit to seeing feedback not as criticism but as a valuable investment in our collective future. The discomfort is temporary, but the growth is lasting. #motivation #productivity #mindset

Not all feedback is meant to help you. Some of it is to control you, guilt you, or shrink you. If you've ever walked away from "feedback" feeling confused or smaller, you're not alone. The problem isn't you, it's the way it was delivered. 7 Toxic Phrases Disguised As 'Feedback': (and how to protect yourself) 1. Everyone thinks this about you... ↳ They're using fake consensus to isolate you ↳ Ask for a specific example, not vague opinions 2. You're not a culture fit ↳ Code for "we don't value differences" ↳ Request clear examples of misalignment 3. If you were really committed, you'd… ↳ Guilt-tripping you to ignore your boundaries ↳ Re-center the conversation on results, not pressure 4. Don't take this personally, but… ↳ A setup for a personal jab without consequences ↳ Keep it focused: What's the specific concern? 5. You're doing fine… for someone at your level ↳ A fake compliment that limits your growth ↳ Ask what strong performance really looks like 6. This is for your own good ↳ Control disguised as care ↳ Ask how it supports your growth or goals 7. That's just who you are ↳ A fixed mindset used to avoid supporting you ↳ Ask what behaviours they'd like to see improve Don't let disguised criticism define your worth. You get to decide what helps you grow. ♻️ Repost to help your network ➕ Follow Dora Vanourek for more