Why You Probably Shouldn't Shave Your Head For The Cancer Patient In Your Life
There's a lot of conversation online at the moment about actor John Stamos wearing a bald cap for some photos with his Full House costar and friend, Dave Coulier.
As a cancer survivor myself, I feel like I should shed some light on the one question that almost nobody is asking: do cancer patients even want you to shave your head in solidarity?
I see so many comments that boil down to, "If he really supported his friend, he would shave his head for real." But far too few people are considering what it would actually feel like to be the cancer patient in this situation.
In movies and TV shows, friends, family members, and loved ones of cancer patients are often shown shaving their heads in tearful scenes. It's a classic trope of the "cancer genre." Think Samantha Jones' boyfriend, Smith, shaving his head as she goes through breast cancer treatment in the last season of Sex and the City.
It's clear that these scenes are meant to pull on our heartstrings. Emotional music swells. Tears are shed, and locks of hair tumble dramatically to the floor. There's usually also talk of "fighting," being "a warrior," and staying "strong."
But if you talk to actual cancer patients, a different picture emerges. In the support groups where I still find community and understanding even a year out from treatment, I see the head-shaving conversation pop up fairly often.
Losing one's hair can be really painful, so it's understandable why so many people see shaving their heads as a meaningful gesture of solidarity. But patients don't always see it that way.
Some patients don't want their loved ones to shave their heads because they would see it as a sign of what they have also lost. Personally, when I was in treatment, I lived for the moments that felt "normal," when I could forget about cancer for a little while. Seeing my loved ones' scalps would not have been helpful for me — it would have been a constant reminder that things were very much not normal.
In a Reddit thread on this subject, one survivor put it, "I had cancer and in the beginning wasn’t sure if chemo would be part of my treatment. My sister said she was going to shave her head if I was going to be bald. I thanked her for being so sweet but asked her not to. It would make me sad to look at myself (I love my hair) and twice as sad if I looked at her!! Turns out chemo wasn’t part of my treatment, so it was a non-issue, but I would still feel the same given the same circumstances again."
Another person said, "It depends on the person, but for me, hell no. I lost my hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes. Anyone who shaved in support would be growing out their hair while I was still the sickest I've ever been and staying bald and hairless for a year. It would be a reminder when I looked at them that 1) hey, I have cancer, and 2) they don't because they look like they shaved their head, not like a tired alien. All I can think is that it gives the person without cancer clout, and they get to feel good about themselves and how selfless they are, meanwhile not helping the cancer patient in any meaningful way."
And others see it as a performative gesture that's unhelpful at best and, at worst, is about the person shaving their head, not the patient. Cancer treatment is hard, and there are so many much more tangible ways to offer support.
Another survivor shared, "In 2021, I took a cycle of chemo. After two weeks, my hair falls out. I was so weak that I couldn't walk, stand up, or eat; I was constantly tired, and I needed rest. I appreciated a hug from my kids. A glass of water, a coffee, an hour in the sun. A warm soup. Shaving your head can't take away the pain. It can't take the worry away: will I make it? Will it come back?"
The child of a survivor chimed in, "My mum went through cancer, lost all her hair through chemo, and she thinks this is disgusting, fake, and a slap in the face. It’s not brave because the person shaving their hair off isn’t going through cancer, and they’re just doing it for attention. It is nothing like the trauma of your hair coming out in clumps."
On the other hand, some people do love this gesture. But you have to ask the cancer patient in your life to find out how they'd feel about it. Please don't assume that we all love it or hate it.
One survivor shared, "It really touched my heart and made me feel not alone. It's been nine years. My husband did it, and the two guys that worked for us at that time. They've gone on to live their lives, but they'll forever be special to me for that. Maybe for them, the moment came and went, but it will stay with me forever."
And a survivor's spouse said, "My husband is a testicular cancer survivor, and when he started to lose his hair, his best friend shaved his head with my husband. They have pictures of it and made a somber time a lighthearted one. They both have shaved heads to this day!"
Looking for an even better way to support your friend, family member, or coworker who has cancer? Here are a few tips based on what was personally helpful for me and what I've heard from others in the cancer community:
If you have the time and resources, offer to help in a specific and concrete way.
When I shared my diagnosis, I got a few messages saying things like, "Let me know if you need anything." I never let any of them know when I needed anything because it was just so vague.
But some friends said things like, "My weekday schedule is really flexible, so let me know if you need a ride to an appointment," or "I'm going to Trader Joe's in a little bit. Can I get you more of those snacks you like?" Offers like this took the weight of figuring out what I was able to ask for off my shoulders, and I happily took them up on car rides and grocery runs.
Spend some quality time with us, and, for extra credit, make us laugh!
Just hanging out with someone who cares about you can make a world of difference during treatment. My favorite memories from this time are of just laying on the couch watching Gilmore Girls with my mom, evening walks with my partner, and visits from friends. Laughing at my partner's goofy car karaoke or my friend's latest story about their toddler daughter helped lift my spirits far more than any haircut ever could.
Sadly, it's not uncommon for cancer patients to be ghosted by friends, family members, and even romantic partners. I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with what a cancer diagnosis may represent, and they distance themselves to spare their own feelings without considering how it feels for the patient on the other end.
And finally, follow our lead.
Some people love to be told that they're strong, brave cancer warriors, but some people (me) want to puke when people talk about their illness in that way. So pay attention to the way the cancer patient in your life talks about their experience, and try to emulate their approach.
If there's something you want to do to help us, ask first. Even if we say no to your offer, we see that you're trying, and we appreciate it more than words can say.
Have you or a loved one been through cancer treatment? What do you think about the head-shaving question? Tell us what's on your mind in the comments.
