He Lost His Brother To Suicide, Then Created A Space For Others To Stay — His New Update Will Give You Hope
Social media can be full of garbage, misinformation, unproven health trends and pressure to buy unnecessary items. But among the questionable content, there is some good, too.
One example? A now-viral Instagram reel on suicide prevention for people to see when they’re feeling their lowest.
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The video was posted by Ben West, a mental health advocate in the United Kingdom, who started reasonstostay.co.uk in honor of his brother, Sam, who died by suicide. The website is designed to be a support for people struggling with suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation. On the site, anonymous users from around the world write and submit letters of support to folks in need, which are then displayed on the website’s homepage.
When visiting the site, you’re greeted with a random letter of support from a stranger saying things like “Hello Friend, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are being thought of. Even if today feels hard, you are not alone” or “Dearest you, I’m so pleased you’re here, I’m so pleased you found my letter and I hope when you read it, you take a moment to remember how truly magical you are.”
These letters are meant to do exactly what the website domain says — help people stay.
Letters from people who care can help those in crisis feel less alone.
In the now-viral video posted on Instagram by West, he said the website “worked for someone. We can be fairly confident that it really worked for someone.” While West didn’t share the message from the person the site “worked” for, it seems the site’s mission of getting readers to stay was achieved.
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“Most people might say ‘well, how would that help ... how is that going to help someone who’s in a crisis?’ And I think part of the reason, or maybe even most of the reason why it helps, is because suicidal ideation and suicidal thoughts really thrive in isolation. And study after study shows this,” said Gabe Solseng, a therapist with Self Space in Washington.
Dark thoughts can make you feel isolated for two reasons. First, you may feel like you can’t share these thoughts with other people. Second, there’s typically shame around these feelings.
“It encourages isolation, and isolation also can encourage those thoughts. And so it’s kind of this self-fulfilling cycle when isolation comes into the picture and with suicidal thoughts,” Solseng said.
A website like reasonstostay.co.uk is a way to stop this isolation cycle. Seeing an anonymous, supportive letter “breaks down that isolation almost immediately, and puts you in touch with even just an edge of a fuzzy, warm feeling that someone does care and there are kind words to be said to you,” Solseng said.
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It also immediately breaks down the barrier that isolation creates without requiring someone to leave their home or even their bedroom.
“It doesn’t require you to go to a group, it doesn’t require you to sign up for something or be vulnerable yourself, because sometimes just saying hello to someone or picking up the phone or going to a website like a suicide prevention hotline can feel like too much,” he said.
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It serves as a reminder of the community around you that supports you, even if they don’t know you.
Part of the value of this site also has to do with its anonymous nature, Solseng noted.
“That shows that it’s not about my friends who like me or my parents who love me, it’s about the fact that even if no one knew you, you would still be valuable and you would still be loved and your life would still be worthwhile,” Solseng explained.
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This is a beautiful human moment for someone who may feel like other “avenues of support” are out of reach, he added. It also fosters a feeling of community support.
“I think there is something that, on a human level, maybe an instinctual level, feels really safe and secure in feeling the acknowledgement of community, and feeling like there is a network of people that you probably don’t know and you probably will never meet, but there is a network that you are a part of that isn’t just the people in your house or the people that you know really well,” he said.
Seeking support is the ‘strongest thing to do.’
“I think when we’re feeling low, whatever that looks like, whatever that feels like for us, we feel like isolating. We feel like the strongest thing to do, especially for men, but for women as well, is to deal with it ourselves, to be stoic, to put on a brave face, to push forward, and sometimes that is very helpful,” Solseng said.
Other times, though, there’s only so much “pushing forward” you can do before you need to seek mental health support. While a website like reasonstostay.co.uk can be a great support tool, it is likely just part of the prescription to feeling better.
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“The strongest thing to do is, oftentimes, to recognize that you do need some support, and that you are feeling low, anxious, depressed, out of sorts, and it’s impacting you in a way that you are struggling to deal with yourself,” Solseng said. “Strength comes from acknowledging support and the need for support and the usefulness of support, and knowing that that doesn’t diminish the strength that you’re bringing to it or your own ability to navigate it, but it can be a critical difference in allowing you to overcome it in the way that you want to.”
This may mean visiting a website like reasonstostay.co.uk, but may also mean starting therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, leaning on a loved one, calling the 988 lifeline or using the 988 chat feature.
“I think so often it feels like a burden to tell loved ones that you’re struggling, or to reach out for support or to just acknowledge it, it can feel like you are putting it on someone else, or you are not worthy of that love, or you aren’t good enough to deserve things,” Solseng said.n“And that always breaks my heart to hear ... because I think, as this website illustrates so wonderfully, it doesn’t take someone that loves you to want to support you.”
“There are people who’ve never met you that would in a heartbeat do what they could to support you, and the same thing is true of the people around you,” Solseng added.
If you or someone you know needs help, call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org for mental health support. Additionally, you can find local mental health and crisis resources at dontcallthepolice.com. Outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention.
