Balancing Assertiveness and Respect

"Start by asking for criticism, not by giving it. Don’t dish it out before you show you can take it." One of the biggest mistakes leaders make when trying to create a culture of feedback is skipping the most important step: soliciting feedback first. It’s easy to assume that because you’re open to giving feedback, others will be open to receiving it. But if you haven’t proven that you can take it yourself, you’re not setting the right example. People are naturally hesitant to challenge their boss directly. The risk feels high. That’s why it’s on you to make it safe - to show that you truly want to hear what they think, that you won’t get defensive, and that their candor will be met with appreciation, not punishment. Try this: In your next 1:1, ask, “What’s one thing I could do better?” Then, embrace the discomfort. Stay silent, let them respond, and listen with the intent to understand - not to reply. Feedback is a two-way street. When you lead by example, you create an environment where honesty and growth thrive. What’s one small way you’ve worked to make it easier for people to give you feedback? Let’s learn from each other.

The biggest barrier to team growth? Delivering feedback that feels like an attack rather than support. Too often, leaders focus on what’s wrong instead of how to help their team improve. But the best leaders? They create a space where feedback is: → Respectful, so it builds trust. → Constructive, so it guides improvement. → Empathetic, so it encourages effort. When feedback feels overly critical or personal, it shuts down communication and stifles progress. Want a team that grows together? Start by giving feedback that inspires rather than intimidates. How are you fostering growth with your feedback today?

We've been conditioned to believe that "good" women make themselves smaller: speak softer, apologize more, defer quicker. But being a leader isn't about shrinking to fit other people's comfort zones. It's about expanding to fill the role that your vision, expertise, and impact deserve. And yet, we still catch ourselves minimizing our contributions in meetings, hedging our statements with "I think maybe..." and literally making ourselves smaller by slouching. We've been taught to be grateful for crumbs when we should be setting the table. That's space abdication. Women: your discomfort with taking up space is someone else's comfort with you staying small. Every time you shrink, you're not just limiting yourself; you're modeling limitation for every woman watching. And trust me, they're watching. (And if you're reading this, you're watching me so I'd BETTER take up space.) Taking up space isn't about becoming aggressive or adopting masculine behaviors (though there's nothing wrong with those either, if they're authentically you). It's about showing up as the full version of yourself, with all your ideas, insights, and yes, your strong opinions intact. Here's your roadmap to claiming your rightful space: 1. Speak first in meetings. Not after you've heard everyone else's thoughts and carefully calibrated your response. Lead with your perspective, then listen and adapt. 2. Stop hedging your expertise. Replace "I'm not an expert, but..." with "In my experience..." You didn't accidentally end up in a leadership role. 3. Take up physical space. Sit forward, not back. Gesture naturally. Use your full vocal range. (I've been accused of not having an "inside voice". Oh well!) Your body language should match the size of your ideas. 4. Own your wins publicly. When someone asks how the project went, don't say "the team was amazing." Say "I'm proud of how I led the team to deliver X results." 5. Interrupt the interrupters. "Let me finish that thought" is a complete sentence. So is "I wasn't done speaking." Your leadership isn't a consolation prize or a diversity initiative. It's a business imperative. The world needs what you bring, but only if you're willing to bring all of it. #womenleaders #communication #executivepresence

Over the years, I’ve realized that feedback is most impactful when it’s direct and honest. While approaches like the 'Oreo' or 'Macaron' may feel safe / easier to land, they often risk burying the constructive point under layers of positivity, leaving the recipient unclear about what truly needs attention. The power of direct feedback, delivered thoughtfully and respectfully, lies in its ability to cut through the noise and land with clarity. It’s not about being harsh; it’s about being kind enough to care and clear enough to help someone grow. And at the heart of it all, feedback should always assume good intent, given with the belief that we’re all striving to improve, not to criticise.

Leaders who avoid hard feedback aren’t protecting their people, they are setting them up to fail. Feedback is one of the most powerful tools we have in leadership but it’s also one of the most misused. Because leaders confuse compassion with avoidance, softening the truth until it loses all usefulness, or withholding it altogether under the guise of kindness. Compassionate feedback is about caring enough to be honest, in a way that allows other people to hear it. At APS Intelligence, we use a framework for compassionate feedback, designed to ensure that even difficult messages are delivered with clarity and respect: 1. Frame the feedback - Start by recognising effort and value to create psychological safety and remind people their work is seen and appreciated. 2. Ask permission - Feedback lands better when people feel like they have agency. Asking “Can I talk to you about something I’ve noticed?” is, as Dr. Shelby Hill says, a gentle knock on the door of someone’s psyche instead of barging in. 3. Be precise and objective - Describe what you’ve observed, not your interpretation of it. Feedback should focus on behaviour, not character. 4. Explain the impact - Share how the behaviour affects others or the work. Clarity about consequences builds accountability without blame. 5. Stay curious and open - Avoid assumptions. Ask questions that invite dialogue and understanding, not defence. 6. Collaborate on next steps - Offer support, not ultimatums. Feedback should be a shared problem to solve instead of a burden to bear. 7. End with perspective - Reaffirm their strengths and remind them that one issue does not define their value. Compassionate feedback allows honesty and humanity to coexist. It ensures that when people walk away, they feel respected, even if the message was hard to hear. This is a framework we use often at APS Intelligence. You can book a tailored workshop for your people managers or leadership cohorts to explore this further.

Criticism can hurt, even when it’s well-intended. But emotionally intelligent leaders respond differently, despite the sting. They don’t ignore it. They don’t shut down. They don’t let it knock them off track. Instead… ✅They pause. ✅They reflect. ✅They respond with compassion and care. Here are 8 ways you can too: 1. Stay Calm and Listen • Take a breath before reacting. • Listen to understand, not to defend. • Reflect back what you heard to show respect. 2. Take Time to Process • Emotions need space to settle. • Write down key points before responding. • Ask for time to reflect before moving forward. 3. Separate Feelings from Facts • Acknowledge the sting without making it personal. • Ask yourself, “What part of this could help me grow?” • View feedback as insight, not identity. 4. Ask Clarifying Questions • Vague feedback limits learning. • Ask for examples to deepen understanding. • Clarify the intent before reacting to the tone. 5. Control the Urge to Justify • Pause the instinct to explain. • Start with empathy, not excuses. • Make space for the other person’s perspective. 6. Respond with Gratitude • Recognize the courage it takes to give feedback. • Say thank you, even when it’s hard to hear. • Let appreciation set the tone for future conversations. 7. Take Action and Follow Up • Identify one shift you can make. • Share how you’re applying what you’ve heard. • Follow up to show integrity and commitment. Criticism will never feel easy. But when met with emotional intelligence, it becomes a bridge to deeper trust. After all, leadership isn’t about being right. It’s about being willing to learn. ♻️ If this resonates, repost for your network. 📌 Follow Amy Gibson for more leadership insights.

💔 “The Brilliant Woman Who Was Interrupted 7 Times in 5 Minutes” During a leadership workshop, one of my clients shared something that stayed with me. Her voice broke a little as she said: 👉 “I counted… seven times in five minutes. They cut me off. By the end, I just gave up speaking.” I watched her eyes as she spoke. They weren’t just narrating an incident—they were telling the story of exhaustion. She described the scene in detail: The sharp tone of the first interruption. The laughter after the second. The shuffling of papers as if her words didn’t matter. By the fourth, her shoulders slumped. By the seventh, silence swallowed her brilliance. That moment pierced me. Because she didn’t just lose her voice in that meeting—she lost an opportunity to influence. And the room lost the chance to hear an idea that could have shaped strategy. 🚧 The Obstacle Gender bias doesn’t always announce itself. It creeps in quietly. In how often a woman is cut off. In how her ideas are overlooked until someone else repeats them. In how she’s told—implicitly or explicitly—to “be patient, wait your turn.” And here’s the truth: brilliance shouldn’t need permission to exist. 💡 How I Helped as a Communication Skills Trainer We worked on three things: ✔️ #AssertiveCommunication – rehearsing responses to interruptions that were firm but professional. ✔️ Power phrases – short, sharp lines that create space and command attention. ✔️ #ExecutivePresence – voice control, body language, and the subtle shifts that make people pause and listen. ✨ The Transformation At her next boardroom meeting, she walked in differently. She wasn’t waiting for permission. She wasn’t hoping not to be interrupted. She was ready. She didn’t just speak. She owned the table. And the most powerful part? The very people who had once interrupted her… leaned in, took notes, and listened. 🌍 The Learning As leaders, we must recognize that #GenderBias in communication is not imaginary. It’s real. It’s silent. And it shapes careers every single day. That’s why assertiveness training isn’t optional for women leaders. It’s #Leadership. It’s #Survival. It’s #Power. ⸻ 🔑 For Leaders Reading This: Have you ever witnessed brilliance being silenced in your boardroom? The bigger question is—what did you do about it?

What do you do when someone on your team is brave enough to criticise you? Me? I promote them as soon as possible. Why? Because in high-performing companies, innovation thrives when teams feel empowered to challenge ideas respectfully. As a leader, fostering a culture of constructive dissent can unlock your team’s full potential and fuel spectacular business growth. Here are 5 techniques I use to build openness and encourage dialogue: 1. Encourage continuous feedback Don’t wait for annual reviews or formal discussions. Make candid feedback a regular part of daily operations — through check-ins, town halls, or anonymous surveys. The more often feedback is shared, the less intimidating it becomes. 2. Model respectful dissent How do you react when your ideas are challenged? Leaders should actively invite differing viewpoints and listen with an open mind. When leaders encourage respectful dissent, it signals to everyone that diverse perspectives are truly valued. 3. Reward honest opinions Recognise those who respectfully challenge the status quo. This reinforces the idea that fresh thinking is an asset, not a liability. (Fun fact: The US State Department has an annual Constructive Dissent Award, given to those who courageously stand by their principles.) 4. Be transparent in decision-making After making a decision, explain the reasoning behind it. Even if someone’s idea isn’t chosen, knowing their input was genuinely considered strengthens future buy-in and trust. 5. Align after discussion Once a decision is made, the team must unite behind it to make it work. Remind everyone that while debate is healthy during the process, whole-hearted execution is key to success. You really can criticise your way to success. A culture of constructive dissent leads to smarter decisions and a more productive team. The key? Making sure every voice is heard and valued. Do you agree? Promise not to fire you if you don't!

Stop justifying your boundaries. “No” is not rude. It’s how you protect your time, energy, and sanity. I used to be available for everything: 6 PM “quick fixes” that turned into 90-minute tasks. Weekend messages that killed any chance of rest Not because I didn’t have boundaries, But because I didn’t know how to communicate them. Here are 12 boundary-setting phrases I wish I had used sooner: 10  Phrases That Say “I’m not available for that” - without burning bridges: "That doesn’t work for me—here’s what does." → Assertive, clear, and solution-focused. "I’m offline after 6 PM. Let’s revisit this in the morning." → You set the availability, not your inbox. "Let me check my schedule and get back to you." → Creates space to decide without pressure. "I’m happy to help. What should I deprioritize to take this on?" → Makes the tradeoff visible. "I’ve blocked 30 minutes for this call." → Time-caps your energy before others overrun it. "I can help with this part, but not the whole thing." → Protects your bandwidth while still being useful. "Let’s schedule this properly—I want to give it the attention it deserves." → Turn chaos into structure. "I’ve learned I don’t do well with last-minute requests." → Share the why without over-explaining. "Let me get back to you by [time] after I think it through." → You’re not obligated to answer instantly. "That’s outside my zone—but here’s someone who might be a better fit." → Say no, and still be a connector. You don’t need to be aggressive to be clear. You don’t need to explain your “no” to make it valid. Boundaries are a business skill. Use them like one. Save this. Read it again the next time someone tries to rush your yes.

Ever find yourself giving the same feedback over and over - and wondering why it doesn’t stick? You’ve told someone to speak up more, share ideas, be more proactive in giving progress updates… and yet, there’s no shift. Here’s why: people don’t hold back because they don’t hear you. They hold back because they’re afraid of getting it wrong. Afraid they’ll speak up too much. Afraid they’ll annoy you. Afraid they’ll overstep. That fear keeps them frozen in the middle - and too cautious to grow. So here’s the strategy I used to use all the time in my clinical practice - and it’s one I teach all my managers to use at Good Inside: Instead of saying, “I want you to speak up more,” say this: “I want you to speak up more in meetings - your ideas add real value. I know that can feel tricky; lots of people worry about saying the wrong thing or taking up too much space. So let me hold that part, and I’ll tell you if it ever feels like too much. And honestly, if we even get there, that’s a win. It means you’re stretching into something new.” Instead of, “I want you to update me more,” say: “I know you might worry about annoying me with too many updates - but I’ll tell you if that happens. If you don’t get that message from me, assume you’re not overdoing it.” It’s so relieving for someone to know that you’ll watch out for their “overcorrection” - and now they can try new things because you’ve owned the fear. After all, people rarely grow just by being told what to do - they grow when their fears are named and made safe. Essentially, what you’re doing is taking ownership of the “too much” line. You’re saying, “I’ll hold that boundary, so you can explore.” You’re naming the thing people are afraid of and taking responsibility for it. Once they know you’ll tell them if they’ve gone too far, they stop holding themselves back. This is what creates conditions for growth.