Hi folks!!! Liveblogging Fat Tyra begiiiiiiiins…. now:

• 5:01 PM: She’s in her bathing suit telling us not to believe things you read on the internet. Pshaw! Also, she has gained 10 pounds since her infamous paaaanty paaaaarty. Do you believe us? Do.
• 5:03: Tyra assures us she loves to eat, but she didn’t gain 40 pounds in 2 months. Cue Phil Collins‘ “Against All Odds” folks, and take a look at her now. Thankfully, she also tells us that with the way she’s eating, she will one day look like she does in the fat pic.
• 5:03: She just mocking said the word “America”, as in “What ‘Ameeerica’ thinks is beautiful.” Not 4 minutes in already, she’s schooling us on working the photo angle. Thanks for the tip, Monica Lewisnki.
• 5:05: Our first reference to “America’s Next Top Waddle” and the still confusing “Tyra Porkchops”.
• 5:06: It’s official: Tyra Banks has visited PerezHilton.com, though she refuses to name the site. Thankfully, the retarded 2nd grader scrawling over the photo summed it up fairly nicely.
• 5:07: Don’t ever doubt this! TYRA LOVES HER MOMMA. Uh oh, we know what’s coming… she’s about to cry…
• 5:08: SHE JUST CRIED AND TOLD EVERYONE TO KISS HER FAT ASS!!! Then she threw her fist up in the air like a Black Panther. This is awesome.

UPDATE: SAID RANT!!

Hey! I think I’m one of those women!! Rep-ree-ZEhNT!

More liveblogging after the jump, including pictures of Rexies and Fatties. Eff the Superbowl, this is the real showdown of the year.

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This is it. The is the video. The best CNN prank we have ever seen. It began innocently enough: We heard the term “stable boy”, “erotic” and “Harry Potter” used in the same sentence, and immediately turned our attention toward the TV. Then we thought, “Wow, Daniel Radcliffe kind of looks like some 33-year-old AV dork with a ponytail reading the Jerry Lawler book.”

And so it was. Brilliant? Quite. We only pray that CNN execs are too busy peeing in their pants to actually fire anyone.

Diddy does it all. He’s a rapper. A producer. An actor. A designer. A reality TV show host. A marathon runner. An award show host. A champion of democracy. A restaurant owner. And so much more.

But all of that pales in comparison to his latest feat. Judging by this photograph to the left from Hello magazine, apparently he’s also the first man to successfully deliver twin baby girls. Just look at how happy longterm girlfriend Kim Porter is as she gazes at the brave, anatomically amazing bearer of her children. The man really can do it all.

Congratulations Diddy. You consistently find new ways to amaze us (and to make sure you’re the one getting all the attention.) You’re an inspiration to us all.

Can you name this actor? No hints this time. Chase your instincts, and give it a Leto thought.

Answer after the jump!

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To help you though this uncertain post-9/11 time where cartoon marketing schemes can be mistaken for acts of terrorism, we have prepared for you a list of items we reccomend not just leave laying around your city all willy nilly, lest you find YOURSELF involved in the next LiteBriteGate scandal:

Lite Brite - Little kids using tiny pegs to make shapes they think looks like a butterfly (even though it really doesn’t) seems harmless enough, but you stick it under a freeway overpass and you’ve got yourself a death-dealing warhead of fear.

Stuffed Animals - Cute teddy bears might seem like the last place you’d hide a weapon of mass destruction, but if you’re an evil terrorist, they’re the FIRST place you’d hide it.

VCR - There’s the right way to switch your home entertainment center over to DVD (place obsolete VCR into box DVD player came in and clearly mark contents), and there’s the FREEDOM-HATING TERRORIST WAY (just setting it out on the street where it will terrify people).

Poisonous Snakes - Nature’s original terrorists.

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We give Britney Shmears nee Spears a lot of crap. And frankly, when we caught this video of her on X17 pumping her own gas and waiting to use the bathroom, we set our Rock N’ Roll Rooster alarm clocks, pulled a nightcap over our face, and expected to pass out for eternity. But what ended up happening came as an extreme shock… because, we started to actually feel bad for Britney. Wait, wait let us finish.

See, the thing about the video is, we put ourselves in her place. If we rolled into an LA gas station, and were met with a throng of Serbian paparazzi screaming broken English at us, we would let loose a stream of Hungarian curse words that would make even the sleaziest of gay porn stars blush. Here is a loose transcript of things yelled at Britney during the encounter:

You like me to help you to put gas for you? So you don’t wanna say anything for us? So you don’t wanna say anything for us, Britney? You wanna me to get da keys to da restroom? Don’t worry abouta car, we take-a care for you. You want my jacket? I need to let mah wahf know!

We’d be pissed! But not Britney. Hey, is she wearing a rhinestoned necktie with a sheer tunic? Yes. And was she with her kids? No, she wasn’t. They probably wouldn’t want to be around her diarrhea attack anyway (she did stop at 4 separate rest stops, after all.)

But you can’t take the shine out of that attitude folks! What a doll.

On a recent deep sea fishing excursion, Denise Richards landed herself a beautiful Richie Sambora Land Crab (not to be confused with the Richie Sambora Pants Crab).

(via X17 Online)

You’ve already met Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens - the two long-haired rapscallions repsonsible for turning a publicity stunt for a cartoon program into a Paralyzing Terror Nightmire that sent the entire city of Boston into a fear-ravaged fetal position. At the conclusion of their mandatory imprisonment for their wanton acts of nightmarish evil, our two young protagonists gave a press conference in which they chose only to discuss the finer points of various hairstyles, mostly those of the 70’s, which then sent reporters and Fox News into a predictable rabble of anger and confusion. These guys are AWESOME - can we give them a reality show? Can we can we pleeeease?

• The Rawking Refuses To Stop has some live Shins tunes, including a great take on “New Slang” with Iron & Wine.
• Can’t wait for the new Bloc Party album? Jonk’s Music Blog has another new track, “The Prayer”. Check it out.
• Sonorama.net posted five songs by The Pastels, including “I Picked A Flower” featuring the one and only Jarvis Cocker.
• The Cowmonkey has a great mix today, featuring tracks by Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Travis and more.
• And finally, A Beef Sandwich posted three Fats Domino mp3s that you pretty much need to have. You know, do it for New Orleans.

File this one under “Are You F*cking Kidding Me!?!”, because what you are looking at is Mandy Moore publicly making out with “DJ AM”. That dude should write a book called How To Trick Chicks Into Thinking You Are Cool and Talented for those of us who lack the ability to comprehend his baffling ability to consistently convince attractive women to sleep with him. Sure, Nicole Richie and Kristin Cavallari aren’t exactly the Holy Grails of Sexual Conquest, but Mandy freaking Moore!?!

This has gone too far. At the risk of sounding like a bitter jealous asshole (which I am), I’m going to come right out and say: THIS DUDE’S SOLE SKILL IS PLAYING OTHER PEOPLE’S MUSIC. Seriously, isn’t the DJ-as-celebrity thing over yet? With the advent of music blogs, iTunes, Satellite Radio, et al., pretty much anyone with ears and an Internet connection can find out about the coolest, most indie-awesome-underground sh*t there is out there, plop it into a playlist, and blast beats from their MacBook while they stand there trying to look purposeful by playing with buttons. Even Lindsay Lohan.

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Some hints:

1. He’s a Prince. An honest to God Prince.
2. He was wealthier as a baby.
3. He looks a little bit like his Dad.
4. His Mom is a nurse.
5. He’s the original Suri Cruise.

Give up?? Answer after the jump.

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According to our friends over at I Don’t Like You In That Way (via HowardStern.com and OhNoTheyDidn’t), Girls Gone Wild founder/ sleazeball Joe Francis called into the Howard Stern Show Wednesday morning to brag about banging most of young Hollywood complain about Parisexposed.com and talk about his pending lawsuit. Of course, since Joe isn’t exactly the private type and Howard isn’t exactly the shy type, we ended up learning a lot. More than we wanted to, actually. We learned things like:

• Joe has slept with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kimberly Stewart and Tara Reid
• Paris is better at going downtown than Lindsay
• Tara is terrible in bed
• Tara is terrible in bed, potentially because Joe “only used protection” with her
• Tara is terrible in bed, potentially because she just laid there
• Tara is terrible in bed, potentially because she has a “big smelly loose vagina”
• Joe doesn’t plan on sleeping with Paris again now that he’s seen her medical records

And so much more! Of course, according to the person who reported listening to this, Joe sounded “extremely drugged up, or hungover, or still drunk” so who knows if any of this is true or not. We don’t know what to believe. Well, except for the Tara Reid vagina part. We have a feeling that’s right on the money.

Unless you spent the last week in a sensory deprivation chamber, the chances are that some blog, magazine, website, jackass co-worker, TV show, Bravo themselves, or any combination thereof ruined the outcome of this season of Top Chef for you by breathlessly announcing the winner prior to last night’s finale. If you haven’t already tasted the exquisite flavor of having a season’s worth of suspense spoiled for you, allow me: Ilan Hall out-foamed, out-fried and out-fricasseed Marcel Vigneron all the way to the title of Top Chef! After last week’s shocking misjudgements, the big showdown (two guys who are sort of d*cks to each other FACE OFF!) ended up feeling sort of anti-climactic, even for devoted fans of the show. However, the night was not without it’s highlights, which include:

• Ilan trying to pee on Marcel after the Oompa Loompa/Wolverine hybrid got himself stung by a jellyfish.
• Sam and Michael punking Marcel by choosing to work on his team solely for the purpose of taking a few more jabs at him.
• Betty proving, once again, that she’s the most universally unlikeable personality in the biz.
• Marcel thinking the Top Chef finale is the appropriate venue to d*ck around with his experimental recipe for “salad dressing encapsulated in crystallized unicorn tears”.

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Sure, we all know Kevin Federline is making his Superbowl Ad debut this Sunday, as a fast food worker for Nationwide. But did you know he’s actually starring in two commercials? Crazy, right? Here’s the other, lesser known commersh. We think it’s some of his finest work!

UPDATE: Really, folks? Cammannnnnm.

In his self-parodying Super Bowl commercial, Kevin Federline called down the fast food industry thunder and now’s he’s got it. Greg Creed, President of Taco Bell and the man who brought us the Grilled Stuffed Fiesta Burrito, has said “f*ck it, let’s get in on some of this sweet Federline publicity”, thrown down the gordita gauntlet and written an open letter challenging the Fresnoian wannabe rapper to work one eighth of a single shift at a Taco Bell of his choosing:

Come work for us, just for a one hour shift. We’ll get you a uniform, a custom name tag and show you what a great place Taco Bell is to work. We’ll even reward customers who visit that restaurant with an order of our new Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquitos for free.

Your watering mouth is most certainly the result of imagining a fantasy world in which you served a delicious Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquito, free of charge, for simply being fearless enough to allow a smiling Kevin Federline to prepare your food. “Yo quiero” indeed.

In case you haven’t heard, some people over at Turner Broadcasting are in a teensy weensy bit of trouble because of an Aqua Teen Hunger Force guerilla marketing campaign gone wrong. Yesterday a couple of struggling artists in Boston were arrested for hanging up blinking electronic signs to promote the Aqua Teen movie. Of course, since Bostonians love to create drama (Um, Boston Tea Party anybody? Hel-lo), somebody thought the city was under attack by terrorists and panic ensued. Apparently it was “wicked scary.” Anyway, here’s a video of the two dudes hanging the ads around Boston. Or, as the prosecution will call it, Exhibit A.

Great job, Boston. Way to be on top of terrorism… now.

Just when you think “Can he get anymore annoying?”, and just when you think “Oh, he’s in anger management! Thank god, it looks like the end!”, news comes out that Andy Bernard, the most annoying character in Office history and Michael Scott’s stalker, has been upped to regular cast member. Regular. Freaaakin. Cast. Member. Meaning that there will be no shortage of a cappella related jokes and smarmy flirtations with Pam in the near future.

Our feelings on this news are mixed. On the one hand, we’ve always liked Ed Helms, but on the other hand, the Andy character is so absolutely annoying it’s kind of a bummer to learn he’ll always be around. For one thing, ever since his arrival on the show, Michael’s been acting depressed… and poor Dwight will have a permanent nemesis to work against. When will it end? He was a fun change for a few months, a new broom in the Dunder Mifflin cog, but we have trouble picturing our favorite cast functioning as regularly scheduled with his included presence. For God’s sake, why couldn’t they make Todd Packer a regular??? Check out this clip from tonight’s brand new episode of Todd and tell us you wouldn’t mind seeing that in Scranton every week. Also, no word on how much longer Karen will be there, but hopefully the answer is not much longer, if you catch our drift.

• It turns out that Prison Break star Lane Garrison was not only drunk, but coked to the gills, when he got into the fatal car crash that left one child dead and two others injured. Hope he’s a method actor.
• Listen, if you just got dumped by Scarlett Johansson, you need not one, but TWO drunk girls to give you a sloppy BJ in the bathroom stall of a downtown Manhattan dive bar. Right, Josh Hartnett?
• Lindsay Lohan sent her friend a text message from the front lines of rehab warfare saying all she wanted was “McDonald’s and Sex”. Me, I like them both at the same time - little Filet ‘O Fish with my Filet ‘O Flesh, if you know what I’m talking about. And I think you do.
• President Bush has finally figured out how to improve his image in the media: run the media over with a tractor.
• Sienna Miller makes another stop on her 2007 Campaign of Classiness.

It’s the Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 31st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best moments of Wednesday night TV, including: American Idol, Knights of Prosperity, and with the end of Top Chef brings us the beginning of Top Design!

• METHOD ACTING: Did Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen actually go all the way during their sex scene? I don’t know, but I definitely went all the way watching it. (NY Daily News)
• CAN’T BE BOUGHT: K-Fed turned down Britney’s $25 million divorce settlement offer. Because K-Fed can’t be bought! Or sold. (A Socialite’s Life)
• OUR KINDA GIRL: Lindsay Lohan texted Brody Jenner that all she wants is “McDonalds and sex.” From rehab. I can’t wait to bring her home to mom. (Us)
• BOSTON SUCKS: Name another city that could be brought to its knees by Meatwad, Master Shake and Frylock? (Pop Candy)
• ESSENTIAL MOVIE WRAP-UP: The Oscars? Yeah right. Everything you need to know about 2006 is right here, assuming you can understand what he’s saying. (Thighs Wide Shut)

“But of course he’s seen a talk show!” you say. Then I’m like “Really? That’s funny, because check this out!” And then you’re all “Click play”:

We know he’s busy, but what did he just save? Like 5 seconds? On second though, that’s about $4 million in Bill Gates time. Ne’er mind. (With thanks to Valleywag)

We’ve learned that yesterday’s rumor about the producers of American Idol reaching out to Courtney Love and offering her Paula Abdul’s vodka-soaked chair at the judges table was in fact false. But it did get us thinking - who else WOULD be a satisfactory replacement for the reality juggernaut’s most sobriety-challenged judge? Here’s who we came up with:

Nominee: Whitney Houston

Pros: She’s the reason all these contestants believe they’re future. Also, she could use the cash.

Cons: She would mostly likely use the cash to buy crack.

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