• ParisJackson Exposed! Michael Jackson's in vitro offspring photographed without their body-armor.

• Lindsay's incarcerated dad continues his bad parenting streak; gives the term "Pen Pal" an amazing new meaning.

• Even super-pierced hipsters think DJ A.M. is lame.

• Anne Hathaway possibly likes chicks, possibly likes having lesbo sex with that dork from Welcome to the Dollhouse.

• Jeremy Piven jokes about being gay to explain his chronic singledom. Reality: Jeremy Piven is just horribly, horribly awkward with women.

• K-Fed gets tempting taco offer from Taco Bell; still nothing from real, live females.

We're going to again turn to the "American Idol" website, and let the hard-core Idol devotees (and opinionated haters) give their impressions of last night's episode. As usual, please be sure to fill us in on anything we missed, and look forward to our continued reliance on this feature, as we present you with forthcoming editions of "Last Night On American Idol."

Synoposis:
This week, AI auditions took to Los Angeles, where tons of disillusioned people hoping to become stars had their dreams summarily crushed by the "Dream Team" of judges. Special guest judge this week was none other than Oliva Newton John, who's tightly pinched overly Botoxed face pretty summed up how we were feeling throughout the whole episode. While a few sort of talented peeps made it to the next round, we also had to sit through a Banana Man, the least talented couple in the universe and an Asian girl who—according to her mom—wasn't "TV pretty."

Simon's Randy's Quote Of The Night:
• Tie between "It's definitely a thousand percent no for me" and "You sang that song in twelve keys, baby."

Highlights:
• "Phong/Pong takes the prize for absolutely worst dancing I have ever seen! I was reaching for my wallet to put in her mouth to keep her from swallowing her tongue. Last time I checked, that type of jerking around was called a seizure - not dancing."

• "Martik Manoukian, alias Eccentric. He may be back for the finale if someone doesn't mistake him for a panther and shoot him."

• "Next day begins with the 21st century's version of Romeo and Juliet, two overzealous lovers liplocked in a too public display of their amorous sexuality."

• "Eric Mueller mumbled a song. I haven't the slightest idea what he was saying. It was kind of like making up lyrics to a song before you learn the actual words. So painful. He made Simon's day, though, after Simon discovered that he had learned to sing from the Paula/Randy instructional DVD."

— Read More →

According to TMZ, She's The Man star Amanda Bynes was involved in yet another celebrity car crash. Fortunately, she looks to be alirght, but we figured we'd take a look at all the facts just to be on the safe side.

Car-Crash Review Checklist:
• Multiple cars (Check)
• Pseudo-famous celebrity (Check)
• Police on the scene (Check)
• No deaths, or reports of vehicular manslaughter (Check)
• No $50 million lawsuits from the person-you-just-ran-over's family (Check)

And that, Brandy, is how it's done.

Breaking news, everyone! Rumors are flying that New York Observer veteran Rebecca Dana has backed out of her commitment to the NYT in order to stay put at the tried and true offices of the Observer.

B&C; reports:

Did Dana Ditch the Gray Lady to Stay In the Pink?

Last month, much buzz on the media beat centered on New York Observer TV scribe Rebecca Dana jumping to the New York Times. What started as a rumor on Radar.com turned into reality with this memo issued by the Times' Larry Ingrassia. Her start date was supposed to be this Monday (Jan. 29), but sources inside the paper say she's changed her mind and decided to stay at the Observer. Calls to Ingrassia and Dana have not been returned. Developing....

Where, oh where has our Rebecca Dana gone? Might she really have forsaken the New York Times in favor of Jared Kushner's pink, scented literary lovechild? (Perhaps!) Is it possible that she truly prefers Michael Calderone to Maureen Dowd? (Indeed!) Could it be that we are unhealthily obsessed with her every move? (Absolutely!)

Update: Gawker is reporting that Dana's offer at the Times was essentially revoked after she was overheard "jokingly" trash-talking Times' reporter Bill Carter. The new rumor is that Dana is renegotiating to keep her current gig at the NYO.

If anyone knows anything else, be sure to tip us off!

Earlier:
Oz. Pour: Rebecca Dana

Since you all seemed to enjoy Kevin Federline's debut Super Bowl ad, (in which K-Fed portrays a McDrone with delusions of grandeur), we've decided to post his dramatic follow-up, in which he∨ at least his identical twin—plays a dirty, dirty pimp.

And while we'd like to go on record and say that we find Fed-Ex morally reprehensible, somewhat rodent-like in appearance and a transparent money/publicity whore, we have to concede the new Federline-inspired commercial is actually...kinda funny.

You know, in that, "OMG, what if my daughter/sister/best friend was actually DATING THAT FREAK??" sorta way.

(via BWE)

• Lindsay texts LC's ex to tell him she wants sex and a Big Mac. Related: Brandon "Small-Fry" Davis still not getting any.

• Turns out Hillary Clinton is as good at stand-up comedy as she is at wearing pastel colored pants suits!

• Diddy takes five minutes out of his busy, party-hopping schedule to pretend to be a loving dad.

• Jason Giambi can take all the steroids he wants, but that still won't prevent a a pipe from bursting. in his Upper East Side apartment. Or, you know, small testicles.

• It will take more than $25 million to get rid of Kevin Federline, who continues to be the annoying thorn in Britney Spear's Hebraic side.

• In shocking news, it turns out that the always-crazy, future Scientologist Jim Carrey is "unpredictable" on set.

• Although Project Runway's Tim Gunn is leaving the Parson's School of Design, he vows to "make it work" and return to set next season.

Former Maxim UK editor and sometime HuffPo blogger Greg Gutfield is, it appears, still employable. Leave it to Fox News to offer the man who traffics in unkosher humor to host a new show, titled Red Eye. And what's with the name that doesn't come with a complimentary Bliss Spa pack?

According to a tipster, the program will air at 3am ET, midnight PT.

Otherwise known as primetime viewing hours for ... Colbert Report repeats.

Another day, and another reason why it sucks being a celebrity.

Think back, for a moment, to the Golden Globes, when Angelina Jolie was slammed by the press (including, the apparently tabloid-friendly NYT) for being less-than-friendly on the red carpet. Now, fast forward to a week or so later, when it surfaces that her disinterest in chatting it up with the press had more to do with her mom dying and less to do with her being a huge bitch.

And now, take a look at what's happening right now.

While all the gossip blogs make snarky comments about Bob Saget ogling the Olsen twins, it turns out Saget was merely unwinding with friends after a long day's work and, oh yeah, reeling from the news that his dad just passed away.

WHILE promoting his new DVD, "Farce of the Penguins," comic Bob Saget learned his father, Ben Saget, had passed away. He got the tragic news after taping Conan O'Brien's show Tuesday afternoon. Saget - the writer, director, and voice of the penguin Carl - finished his day's work with a promo party at Tenjune, which Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended. Sagat's rep told Page Six he flew back to L.A. yesterday morning to be with his mom.

Oops.

Wonder if there are any red-faced bloggers out there feeling a wee bit squeamish about those early morning "pedophile" jokes?

It's time for the first edition of a new feature we'd like to call "Lyrics Re-Examined," in which we take a song that may once have been poignant and topical, extract a verse out of context, and admire the way in which its outdated lyrics now carry a whole new meaning.

Today's example: "Don't Let Me Get Me" by Pink.

LA told me / 'You'll be a pop star
All you have to change / Is everything you are'
Tired of being compared / To damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty / That just ain't me.

In-Depth Analysis:

Oh, how the tables turn...

Turner Broadcasting is very sorry for placing light-up devices around major cities to promote its new show and movie Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Very. Sorry.

ABC 5 Boston: TV Network Takes Responsibility For 'Hoax Devices'

B&C;: Two Suspects Arraigned After Turner Marketing Campaign Sparks Terrorism Scare

E!: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Promotion Bombs

AJ-C: Turner TV show promo scares, angers Bostonians

TV Week: Turner Apologizes for Adult Swim Promotion

MSNBC Test Pattern: THE MOON RULZ BOSTON: AQUA TEENS SHUT DOWN BEANTOWN

AP: Man arrested for Boston marketing 'bomb' hoax

Also, they're very much basking in the very publicity they hoped to attract.

• Al Franken may have a "face for radio," but that won't preclude him from joining fellow uglies in a run for the U.S. Senate!

• Karl Rove leaked Valerie Plame's identity to a Time reporter, then said, "I've already said too much" before disappearing with a loud cry of "go, Gadget, go!"

• Although the NYT lost nearly three-quarters of a billion dollars last quarter, Google's earnings are up 67%.

• Chandler family prolongs the whole boring Tribune buyout saga.

• The WSJ hopes to attract more women with new advertisers. Related: Scott Storch hopes to attract more women by buying them crazy bling to compensate for his heinous appearance.

• WaPo debates whether to dump its style section, given that its readers are more of the "dowdy politician" persuasion.

• Liberal columnist Molly Ivins dies of breast cancer at the senseless age of 62.

It's been a few weeks since we checked in on the Shirley Halperin saga — and no news is bad news.

You know Shirley as the woman who quit Us Weekly to head to Teen People, returned to Us when her new magazine folded, and then quit again when BFF Lori Majewski found her an opening at Entertainment Weekly. Caught in the middle of that was staffer Mia Sulpor, who was working under Ken Baker at Us' West Coast office when Shirley returned for the second time — and took Mia's office.

As you might imagine, Mia was none too pleased. But now she's having the last laugh: We hear she's up and ditching Us herself, heading to a new gig at Variety on Tuesday. Perhaps something to do with Ken Baker's exit to head the magazine's website? Or, you know, just a general "fuck you" to the Wenner tab.